Let me feel it
by the old phib
Summary: Can we forgive without forget? Sometimes life defy us and only if love and faith in the people we need are strong enough we can face pain and defeat troubles.
1. Mistakes

**Hi, guys!**

**This is my second fic and on kezza89's suggestion it's a sequel of the first – "It was written" for those who didn't read it.**

**This is just a small prologue so that you can submerge yourselves in the story.**

**I'm waiting for any kind of advice, suggestion, comment, say me what you like and what you dislike, what you would read and everything you want to let me know!**

**Oh, one last thing, reading the prequel isn't necessary, but, God, you guys will deeply hurt my feelings if you don't read it! I'm just joking … close to …**

**Enjoy the reading!**

**the old phib**

**Chapter one: Mistakes**

"Well, let me only try to understand: you're saying to me the only thing I can't ask you is to love me more than that mother-fuckin' bitch?" the man barked in her direction jumping out the sofa and gesticulating with both his arms, his jugulars pulsated in sync with his anger, his eyes were apparently aggressive, but disappointed and hurt in deep.

The woman still sat in front of him, her look was sorry and guilty, but when she heard that insult a quick and momentary flash ran through her eyes:

"Don't call her in that way."

"What? Don't call her in that way? I'm supposed to call her in the fuckin' way I want! She's nothing to me! She's only a mother-fuckin' bitch to me! She's only a stupid slut I hate cause is the only fuckin' thing between me and you!" he continued to yell stopping every once in a while to get his breath, hurt and disappointment magically vanished and in that moment he seemed just furious, desperate and furious.

_I can't allow he call her like that, she doesn't deserve it_, the woman continued to repeat into her mind while her sorrow for the man who's pain she could clearly distinguish behind all that dark rage began to become littler and littler little by little the swear words directed to the person she made suffer the most in her whole life multiplied into the man's mouth.

"She's not a slut and I can't let you …"

"You didn't think like that when you ran away from her and you fuckin' came to me!" he restarted without letting her finish.

_Point taken_, she thought and, even supposing it's possible, the flood of memories related to his last sentence that started to fill her brain pulling painfully against the walls of her head made her feel guiltier than she already felt. Suddenly she didn't know how to reply.

"Matt, I …"

"You're supposed to love me more than this! You're supposed to love me more than she!" he shouted to her pointing with his right hand an hypothetical place where _she_ possibly was.

"I made many mistakes." the woman just said looking down between the elegant patent leather shoes of the man, it was like she hadn't the courage to look into his green eyes, she was afraid, afraid she could see the truth in them.

"And what the hell does that mean?"

She couldn't carry on without consider him worthy of attention. He was worthy of attention. He deserve her attention. He deserve her look. He deserve her truth.

"We need a break. I need a break."

"What?", his voice scared her, suddenly it became low, low as a whisper, low as his bafflement, low as his pain, low as his misunderstanding. The woman saw him sitting down without averting his eyes from hers, his handsome face was scrunched up, scrunched up like an old and unwanted piece of paper.

"I need some time to think, think away from you, away from … from … all of this …"

"Think? Think? Think 'bout what?" he recovered then restarting to gesticulate with his hands.

_C'mon … she knew that … she perfectly knew that … okay, she had been an idiot, just an huge idiot, but then she had understood … she didn't need some stupid time to think … she just hoped it's not late … please, God, please, I beg you on my knees … let it's not late … I won't make mistakes anymore, I'll do everything, everything like everything so that she'll forgive me, I promise … I promise … but help me, God, please … please …_

"Think 'bout us and you and me and … and …"

"… and she?"

She couldn't lie anymore. He didn't deserve more lies.

"Yes."

For a couple of moments he stayed in silence, then he sadly smiled and with an expression that conveyed all his resentment and his ache he began:

"You know what? I'll make everything easier. Do you want to sorta clean your mind, uh? Let's clean it now, let's clean it here, let's clean it together. I'll help you! I'll be the same stupid fuckin' idiot as always and I'll help you one more time!" he ended, she didn't know what she was supposed to answer and so she stared at him without any word going out of her mouth. A little time after luckily he restarted, "Look at me and say to me you love me more than she."

She closed her eyes with a huge sigh. _It was so difficult, so fuckin' difficult. She hated to hurt people, but she couldn't carry on with that fiction, it wasn't fair. He was a good man and she loved him someway. He deserved the truth. I'm sorry, Matt … I'm so incredibly sorry … I hope one day you can forgive me …_

"I can't." she said opening her eyes again and staring at him with her sincere look.

"Why?" he whispered with a face in that moment was just hurt, deeply and completely hurt.

Brittany hardly swallowed. _By that time she had to go to the bottom of it._

"Because I love Santana more than you. I've never stopped and I can't love anyone else in this world more than she. I'm hers, I've always been hers, now I know it, maybe it's late, maybe she'll never be able to forgive me for betraying her with you, but I'm hers and I'll be hers for the rest of my stupid life."


	2. Anything

**Chapter two: Anyhting**

12 December of one year before:

"I'll do anything for you!" Santana yelled yanking off her own arm right to free herself from Brittany's hold. Suddenly some curious people walking by began to look at the scene going on between the two handsome women that were on the footpath near to a huge black car inside which the brunette clearly wanted to go, even if the blonde tried to keep her there. For a couple of moments they stared at each other's eyes without saying anything, probably searching for an answer, for a reason, for a cause that could explain to them _why, why the hell they had arrived at that point_.

_And what if nothing else was left to say?_ the blonde thought, but then Santana's eyes were out of the blue full of tears and the consciousness her pain was just _her stupid damn fault_ still hurt her deeply.

"I'll do anything for you…" she whispered again between her bruising tears, "…and I'll let you do anything to me, anything, but-but…that-that…that's the only thing I-I-I…and…and you knew it…you fuckin' knew it!" she ended then.

Brittany couldn't bear the pain to see her like that, _she seemed broken, she seemed so deeply broken inside, she couldn't remember the last time she had seen her like that, probably because it had never happen before, she was suffering like she hadn't ever suffer before and it was her damn fault…_

"Look into my eyes and tell me you didn't know it!" the brunette shouted again pointing at her own face. Brittany's words lied frozen into her throat, it was like a group of guilty and confused thoughts held them there, preventing them from going out, _I've been so stupid, I love you and I'm sorry, I'm so incredibly sorry, I made a big mistake, a huge unforgettable mistake, but I love you, I've understood it, I love you…_

"Tell me you fuckin' didn't know it!" she repeated.

"I'd like I can." the blonde could only say and then she took her eyes off Santana's.

"I'd like I can…" the brunette murmured with a sad smile, then she look into her blue eyes and continued with a nod, "…this is all you have to say."

Brittany madly wanted to hug her and hold her in her arms,_ feel her body relax little by little like every time she hold her in a tight embrace, smell her fresh perfume, sink her nose into her brown hair, perceive her tired back under her hands…but she knew she couldn't…it wasn't appropriate and most of all she was sure Santana didn't want the same thing she did…and she couldn't blame her…_

"I'd have so much things to tell you, hon, but …"

"Oh, please, …" Santana interrupted her then, stopping her with a gesture of her hand too. Brittany stared at her with waiting and this allowed her to see into her beautiful face all the physical ache the consciousness she had betrayed not just their relationship, but most of all her unconditional trust in her, caused inside her, "…please, I beg you, don't call me like that anymore. It hurts me."

_Anymore…anymore…but…it…it was ended so. Was it ended? Was it really ended? How could be possible? How-how…how the hell? Their story was so incredibly perfect, so incredibly damn perfect…their love, their strong perfect love…where did it go? She loved her and…and…but…why? Why did she do the thing she did? _Brittany_ didn't want to lose her…she loved her…she was her life…her-her-her…her life…what…how…who…who was she without her? Who? _Her blue eyes started to be clouded with tears.

"No, no, no, God, please, Brit, don't cry…don't…please! You can't cry! You can't do me a thing like that! Not now!" the brunette began to beg while the crowd around them continued to increase. _But they didn't absolutely care about it. They were parting…they were fuckin' parting…_

"You can't cry! You're not supposed to cry! I am supposed to cry! I! I've just caught you fuckin' someone is not me and you can't fuckin' cry!" she couldn't stop to shout losing little by little her hot voice while the tears fell by then like rivers on her cheeks. On the other hand the blonde couldn't stop, she wanted to stop, but there's nothing to do: _the painful impact of San's tears, the unexpected achievement the love of her life was leaving her forever, the sudden consciousness she had just committed the biggest mistake of her whole life…don't know…it was incredible and stupid and someway ridiculous she hadn't become aware of this matter of fact before…she had to know it…she had to know how it would go…someway she had wanted it, hadn't she? No…no…she-she…goddamnit…_

"I-I-I…"

"Stop! Damn, stop!" the brunette yelled and then she istinctively gave her a smack on the cheek. Brittany felt her skin hardly burn, _burn like her heart…don't know what more…that smack entered inside her body, it was like her love had given her a smack on her soul…the awareness hurt the most…the awareness of how deeply she had injured Santana's heart…she had never beat her, she had never touched her except for softly and tenderly and if she had done a thing like that, well, it meant she was desperate…completely and profoundly desperate…_

_Her handsome face…God…she seemed petrified…petrified and guilty and…and…Brittany wanted only to say to her she understood, she thought she did the right thing giving her that smack, she would had done the same thing in her shoes, but…_but nothing. Nothing went out of her mouth.

Santana stared at her for a couple of seconds again with the expression of someone had just done the most horrible thing in the world, of someone had just given the person she loved the most a smack. Muttering a hasty and sobbing sorry she turned herself back, she went into her car and still crying oceans of tears she left with a squeal.

Now

"I know and I understand you're still mad at me and I'm sorry for pissing you off, but I need to see you and I'll ask you as long as you'll say yes. I miss you. All. Brit" the blonde quickly wrote on her cellphone, then she closed her eyes and with her right thumb pushed the "send" button. It was ten o'clock in the morning, she was at school, _maybe she had to wait for the response a bit. She was so nervous...so nervous...c'mon...read the message...read the fuckin' message...maybe to think it intensely would help...reeeaaad the messaaage...reeeaaad the messaaaage...the teacher won't see you...I promise...but I need you to read the messaaage...I strongly need you t..._

The sudden vibration of her phone made her jump on the sofa. _She hadn't the courage to read it...she couldn't endure another rejection yet...with her eyes closed she pushed the button and then she opened them a little like to see her refusal would be less painful in that way._

"See u at "the den". 4 p.m. But this don't mean I'm not mad at u yet. Joey"

5 to four o'clock. _Okey...okey...c'mon...breath...breath...she's just Joey...she's a girl...just a girl...just a girl you love like a daughter…but she's just Santana's daughter…Santana's and that asshole of her ex-husband's daughter...oh, c'mon...she's your daughter...you saw her growing up...you'd stayed beside her since she was six for nine years of her life...nine...God...how could I ruin everything? Fuck off...fuck off...it was perfect...my perfect thing...and then I ruined everything...fuck off...stupid, stupid woman..._

Four o'clock. _Four o'clock and she's not here yet...she's never late...I'm always late, but she's never...she's all her mother,_ Brittany thought with a sad smile and then she finally saw her walking through the door, "Hi." she whispered to the crowd, she looked around and then her eyes crossed the blonde's. _She could clearly distinguish a held smile on her face, she was mad at her but she still loved her at the bottom. Those eyes...God...Brittany could see Santana looking at her through those dark eyes..._

"Every time I see you you're more and more beautiful..." the blonde said to her when the girl sat on the chair in front of her. The brunette smiled a little but stayed in silence. She seemed like she didn't know what she was supposed to say and how she was supposed to behave.

"Tell me, how are you, my honey baby?" the woman continued so.

"Fine, thank you and y..."

"Not the mock version for me." Brittany interrupted her turning to serious, "I want the true version."

The girl stared at her for a couple of seconds, then an only little and shy tear began to run on her cheek. The hand of Brittany ran through the table just to hold the girl's. Joey seemed to appreciate her gesture and didn't rebel against her.

"I-I-I...I'm supposed to be mad at you, right? And-and-and...I am but...God..." the girl started sobbing more and more out loud.

"Don't worry, honey, don't worry...I know it's hard for you, I know, but breath now...just breath...c'mon...try it." Brittany suggested her holding both of her hands trying to relax her like she did with her mother. Her technique seemed to work and five minutes later the tears finally stopped.

"I miss you, Brit, I miss you and I miss our chats and our laughs and our jokes and...and...but I don't know if I'll able to forgive you for what you did to my mama...I don't know...I'd like, but...but..."

"Listen...listen to me now..." the woman interrupted the girl one more time stopping her words, _Joey needed the truth and most of all she needed her apologies,_ "…I know...I know I did something unforgettable, something horrible to two wonderful persons who hadn't ever deserved a pain like that...I'm talking 'bout your mama and you...I know...and I'm sorry but I clearly know also that's not enough...but I love you, I love you with all my heart, 'cause you are my family and I'll do anything, anything to prove to you you can still trust in me...and I don't care if it'll take years 'cause my life lost its meaning without you...and a life without a meaning is nothing to me...my meaning is you..." she ended then drying a tear from her face and looking at her like what she had just said was the most obvious thing in the world.

"I still love you too...B mom..." Joey answered then. _The joy to hear again that nickname was indescribable._

"How is she?" she asked then and stared at her with waiting.

"She is..." she began to explain, but then she stopped and swelling she only affirmed, "She misses you.", for a couple of moments she just looked into her blue eyes, but then she seemed to find in the pain she saw the strength and the courage to confide in her like she had done in the past, "I'm worried, B mom. You can't imagine the pain she felt when you…you know…but this is not the point, I heard her cry in her lonely nights, I heard her cry every single night for a thing like three months and there's nothing that could comfort her, nothing." she continued with her eyes full of tears, "But then little by little she was better, I can still remember the first night I didn't hear her cry…she began to cry every two days, then every three and then from time to time. But…but since the last week all that cries are back and I see her tired and exhausted and sad and I can't help her 'cause she doesn't want to talk to me 'bout her worries and she says nothing's happening but I know, I know, B mom, I know there's something, something she doesn't talk to me 'bout." she ended then, but just a few seconds after she reprised, "She needs someone she can confide in, she needs you, B mom. I hated you when you did…you know…but even when I think you're horrible doing what you did I've never stopped thinking my mama needs you. You fit each other. You're soul mates. You're perfect together. And she loves you, B mom."


	3. Kill me

**Hi, guys!**

**I know that has probably nothing to do with my fic, buuut…God…that wonderful Adele mash up…God…I'm still without words…it was the best performance ever…ever…the choreography, the dresses, the arrangement, but specially Naya fuckin' killed it Rivera…epic episode…epic mash up…epic Naya…**

**Okey…sorry for my comment that has nothing to do with my fic, but…God…that Naya has always to do with everything! ;)**

**Good reading!**

**the old phib**

**Chapter three: Kill me **

4th January of one year before

"San…"

"Come here. C'mon." the woman answered from an invisible place under the cream colored duvet of their bed, but since she didn't either hear any response or feel any warmth near her body she felt herself forced to pull out her head and take a look at the door from where Brit's voice had come, "C'mon! I'm freezing here! I need your warmness!"

"San…I made a terrible terrible thing." the blonde said looking guilty at her feet.

"Can you please tell me everything from here? Here under the sheets, here hugged to me, here where I'm fuckin' freezing?" Santana continued begging her with only her hands emerged from under the duvet.

"San…" the blonde repeated without neither hinting to move from where she was, "Do you know the ring…your grandma ring…the ring so much you care 'bout…the ring you neither ever wear 'cause you're afraid to lose it someway…the ring that's one of the only recalls you own of your dear dear grandma…the grandma you loved more than your parents…God…" the woman stopped her words putting a hand on her forehead like she didn't know how to go on, how to say all the stuff…_God…she will kill me…she will kill me…I know…no sex for weeks…for months…_ "Well, this…this evening I…don't know what I was thinkin' 'bout, but I wanted to put it on and so I-I-I…and it was jammed, jammed, totally jammed and I began to draw it away and draw and…and…it…it fell into the sink. In the pimping I mean. It is gone. For ever. Gone. Your ring. Your grandma. Gone. I will understand you if you don't want to sleep with me tonight so I will sleep on the sofa. No, I will sleep on the floor. It serves me right. Good night. " she ended and then turned herself back with a little guilty bow.

"Just for information…" the brunette started to answer with her hot voice, _I don't understand,_ _she doesn't seem angry_, thought Brittany, _this is her "let's have sex voice", _"…my grandma is unfortunately gone lots of years ago and if you don't immediately come here and you don't comfort me with some cuddles I'll be very very sad." she ended then and when the blonde turned again back finally saw her sat on their bed wearing just one of her superhot bras and staring at her with a look that made her want to tear off her clothes…_not many clothes…luckily…_for a couple of moments Britt didn't move, but then the brunette raised her eyebrows like she wanted to say "…and so?"

_How much she loved her…she loved every inch of her…and most of all her eyes…her dark wonderful eyes that couldn't lie to her…in her life Santana had been able to lie to a lot of people, but to Britt…it's different…she had always known what she was thinkin' 'bout, she had always known when she was sad, when she was angry, when she was scared…but she loved also her smile…she loved her lips…God…her lips…how much she had always loved kiss her lips and be kissed by them…they were soft and…don't know…kinda…spicy…she knew this was probably just her impression, but…she couldn't live without kissing her lips… _

She couldn't avoid to kindly smile at her:

"You're not able to be mad at me, right?"

"Baby, it's impossible to be mad at you." she answered with a fast and little look full of love, "But now let's stop talkin' please."

Brittany made a gesture that mean "At your command, sir!", then she clicked off the light and illuminated just by the soft brightness of the moon that shone out of the window she went on the mattress and without letting her ask her it again she captured the mouth of the brunette with her lips. It was a gentle kiss, but warm and wrapping like an hug. _Don't know…maybe the consciousness Santana was her, completely and totally her…maybe the surprise that she was not mad…maybe the sureness everything she did there will always have been a place for her in her heart…maybe just their perfect love…in that moment the blonde wanted her so badly…it was like a spell…she couldn't move her lips away from her, from her mouth, from her skin, from her neck, from her chest, from her breasts, from her belly, from her legs, from her groins…_

Santana moaned softly her name while she couldn't stop to make her love. _It was like Brit was in a hurry, like she had craze…she wanted just make her happy…she wanted just live all her life looking at those eyes in their different tones…_

When she entered inside her with her fingers she restarted to kiss her on her lips_…don't know…she liked do that…it was like her lips tasted different…she could feel it…she could catch her breath…she could breath her breath…_

"I was thinkin'…" the blonde said almost one hour later holding San's body under the sheets, "what would be the thing that would make you be mad at me the most?"

"Well, …" the brunette immediately answered, "I don't neither need to think 'bout it: betraying me. With a man. If you betray me it'll hurt me, but if you betray me with a man…God…that'll be the worse thing in the world to me because the only idea he can give you something I won't ever be able to give to you…God…it'll be terrible. Just…terrible."

Now:

_She had to start from somewhere. She wanted to prove again to her woman she could still trust in her, she could trust in her again, didn't she? So she had to start from somewhere. And didn't matter how much she was scared by her refusal, 'cause it was obvious, she couldn't think that some stupid sorrys and some useless explanations could fix anything. She knew she couldn't go to her like "Oh, hi, yeah, I made a mistake but I'm sorry, ok, good, can I have a beer?" _

_And the worse thing was that today was Friday. Friday was the worse day of the week to Brittany. It was the day that reminded her most how much she missed Santana._ They had had a habit: every single Friday – Joey was with her father since Friday to Sunday – at six o'clock p.m. the blonde had gone to the record company where the brunette worked, they had kissed, they had gone on San's car and they had had a drink in a small romantic place less far from the center, they had gone home, they had had a wonderful dinner Brit had made and then they had had sex on the sofa in front of the fireplace.

It was five o'clock when she decided to go. She dressed her hot, she bought a big bunch of red roses, nine like the years they had stayed together, and she went to the place where she had waited her for every single Friday. _She didn't know what to say, she didn't know how Santana would react seeing her in front of her, she didn't know how she would react seeing Santana in front of herself, but to think too much was totally, totally useless, she was sure 'bout that, definitely sure. Sure. Sure. God…God…but what am I doin' here? God…God…she will kill me…she will kill me…she will look at me with that look, that hurt and angry look that make me wanna die…God…nothing will come out of my mouth…I know…I know…God…maybe I would have to go…yeah…yeah…it's…it's better…yeah, yeah…no…no! What are you saying? You're stupid! God! A stupid and a coward! God! Do you wanna her back? Do you wanna her back or not? Breath…breath…just breath…breath and you'll know what to do…you'll know…I promise…okey…okey…_

_God…God…there she was…there she was…beautiful…confident…serious…hot…God…how madly Brit still loved her…she loved her like the first day, the first day she found that she couldn't live without her…she hadn't ever thought so much when she was young…it was like that had seemed to her a total loss of time…she was young, God, and youngness wouldn't have last forever…but then one day Santana had had a cold, she had had a bad fever that had lasted for a entire week, an entire week during what Brit had found herself every night alone in her lonely bed without feeling the brunette's body hold on the hers…and so she suddenly had understood that…she fuckin' loved her like she had never loved anyone else in that shrinking world…_

The blonde was nearly to open her mouth just to attract her attention when San's cellphone started to ring and in the exact moment the woman read the number on it a flash of kinda fear and pain ran into her dark wonderful eyes.

"Hello, wha…what's happened?" she rapidly answered nervously fiddling with her car's key and looking scared in front of her where Brit had been 'til she had hidden herself so that she couldn't just see her during the call and maybe run away from her; her look ran fast from one point to another in the empty space in front of her, "Let…let me understand, I don't think I've…now? Now? Yeah…yeah, I can come…yeah…I've…no, no…my Friday evening is not that busy. But I imagine you don't care, so, yeah…I'm coming. I…ten minutes. Okey. Okey. Good bye." she ended then going on her car.

Brittany didn't know what she was supposed to do, she stayed frozen there, hidden a couple of meters far from the car. Her chance was gone. _Just for that day, sure, but…yeah…gone_…and then she saw a tear crossing her love's cheek, "Fuck off!" she shouted inside the passenger compartment and then she gave the wheel a punch. The blonde couldn't do anything, she switched on the engine and in a moment the car left.


	4. Afraid

**Chapter four: Afraid**

30th March of one year before:

"Come!" Brittany heard saying through the door of Santana's office so she pressed down the handle.

"Hi, honey! What a surprise!" the brunette said behind her table with a huge smile rising on her handsome face in the exact moment she saw her appearing from behind the door, "Let me introduce to you my new secretary! Matt, she's Brittany, Britt he's Matt."

"Nice to meet you." the blonde told him with a gentle smile.

"It's all my pleasure." the man said in response. He was a tall handsome well-built thirty years old man, green eyes, engaging smile, confident look…prolonged look…infinite look…lustful look… "And you are…?"

"She's my partner." Santana rapidly answered from where she sat before that the blonde could even just open her mouth.

_There's like a…don't know…fastness in her voice…the way she said that…she wasn't at ease…and Brittany couldn't understand why. For a couple of seconds an icy silence sank on the room…Santana's discomfort…Matt's perplexity…suddenly the situation become unpleasant_…then the man finally broke the silence:

"Involved in the arts you too?"

"Well, I…no…I…I wouldn't say like that…" Brittany began to stammer looking at him, but one more time an annoyed Santana interrupted her words:

"C'mon, don't be modest, to own a dance school's not a shame!"

"I…I don't exactly own a dance school by myself, I've a partner." the blonde corrected her words while the man couldn't move his eyes away from Brittany's mouth without neither trying to hide his strong desire to take the blonde by the hips, slam her against the wall and fuck her hard.

"It's almost the same thing." the brunette commented with an annoyed tone, forcing her Brit looking into her eyes with a questioning look. In response she took a deep breath and avoiding her eyes she addressed to Matt with her firm and hot voice:

"Well, public relations lasted enough for today, I'm waiting for you to do that call, Matt. Two weeks again and I don't care if she says to you she's in a hurry, she's drowning, she's dying or whatever, you've to be convincing. Go now."

"Don't worry, miss Lopez." he answered with a small bow, then she turned to Brittany and kissing her hand he ended "I hope we'll see soon again, miss ..."

"Pierce."

And then, not before giving her a last lustful look, leaving behind him a "Dolce & Gabbana pour home" trail with his confident walk he went out of the office.

"Don't worry, miss Lopez." Santana repeated whispering and looking at the blonde who still couldn't understand why she was behaving like that.

"What the hell is happening?"

"Nothing."

"San…" she said beginning to walk around the table to reach her that was still sitting on her leather armchair, then she turned it towards to herself, sat astride her legs and put her hands around her cheeks caressing with her thumbs her soft skin; then staring at her with all the deep love she felt every single time she just saw her face she lifted a bit up her chin just to bring her mouth at her level and she closed her lips around it.

"You know you can tell me everything." the blonde whispered then with her hand still under her chin just to let her looking into her eyes.

"It's just…it's just I don't' like the way he looks at you." she confessed then, "I don't like it and I'm afraid."

"Afraid of what?"

The clock continued to tick on the black wall of her office reminding them time was the enemy all of us have to fight against.

"Afraid of losing you." she told her with a little single tear crossing her cheek. Brittany closed her eyes and drying it with the top of her nose she reassured her:

"You know you won't ever lose me, hon.", then she gently touched her lips with her owns with some little tender kisses, but the brunette wasn't persuaded yet, her brain worked hard creating a fictitious world full of dangers that didn't exist.

"You're beautiful, you're good, you're innocent, you're…and…I see the way they look at you and…"

"Do you think I can ever betray you?" the blonde asked her _thinking that was the best way to drive away all her doubts…Santana will have realized that she knew she couldn't ever betray her and so she won't ever have worried about all that stupid stuff…_

Nothing came out of her mouth. Brittany waited for a couple of seconds, but nothing. Nothing. _Nothing…how can she think a thing like that? How can she be afraid of a thing like that? Nine years…God…nine years during when she's been her, only completely totally her…she's given to her her own heart, her own soul, her own body, her own whole life…her own whole life…_ She began to look at her with an expression that was a mixture of disappointment and pain.

"San…San…do you…do you…?" she started to stammer almost scared standing up from her legs.

"I...I…"

Her blue eyes began to fill of tears, so she turned herself back and she walked through the office.

"No, no, please, don't cry, I…I…I didn't want to…Brit-Brit! Please! Come here!" the brunette yelled and then she began to run after her, but she had always been faster and vanished behind the door.

* * *

><p><span>Now:<span>

_Brittany didn't exactly know the reason why that awful memory came across her mind right in that moment…maybe that place…maybe that desire…that desire to have her again…to hold her tight again…to kiss her mouth again…maybe that foresight…that foresight she had made come true…even if she had known…she had fuckin' known…_

"Can you please follow that car?" she asked to the taxi driver, that in response muttered a sort of yes.

_How many times when she had been child she had wanted to be in a taxi and say a thing like that…she had imagined the driver will have answered "It's all my life that I've been waiting for someone asking me a thing like that!"…how many times…one day Santana had finger-promised to her that when they will have been grown up they will have done it…how many years were passed…how many…_

_That night of March she had come back home late…she had been so mad…Santana was sleeping…Santana was apparently sleeping…she could know she wasn't according to her breath…she could recognize her sleeping-breath…and that wasn't one of them…she had wanted just she had said that she had thought about it and now she had been sure she won't ever have betrayed her…but she had said nothing…she had just slipped her hand under the sheet in order to reach her thigh…it's like she had always been afraid…she had needed to feel the blonde's body near her. Brittany understood it only now, sitting on that back seat and watching the dark sinking on the city, sinking on that road, sinking on her empty life…her empty life that just the woman whose car she was following could fill… _

"You can leave me here, thank you." she said ten minutes after when she saw Santana's car parking. _She couldn't understand…where was she going? There's nothing there…nothing…nothing exception for the Hospital, but…but…the Hospital…she was going to the Hospital…why? Why the hell?_

She saw her rapidly walking through the sliding doors and directing her to the stairs. _She was so beautiful…so beautiful but so afraid…she could see this from her eyes, her wonderful dark eyes that pretended to be contemptuous and fearless, but in that moment were just scared and in need for care… _Fourth floor. She was short of breath even if she was in form, she was in form more than Santana, but the brunette was terrified by lifts. The woman just breathed for a couple of seconds, the blonde was always close to twenty meters behind her. Then she started to walk again. There's just a big sliding door at the end of the corridor. "Oncology department" stated a big sign over it.

It took less than a minute to make her vanish again. This time behind a door. "OC - 6". _That OC means Outpatient Clinic or something,_ thought Brittany whose eyes were now filled of terror. _She couldn't know what to do…she was petrified…had she to go? Had she to do something? No, no, no, she had certainly to do something, but what? What the hell? God…God…Oncology…God… _Suddenly she began to sweat, she felt the head turning and she had to sit on the last step with the head leaned on the wall, her sight was dimmed, so she closed her eyes that in that moment were totally unable to see and she continued to think. _God…God…she-she-she…Oncology…she was in the Oncology Department…she…her love…the love of her life…her reason of life…her woman…her family…her San…her honey…Oncology…buy maybe it-it-it…it was nothing, right? Nothing…just a check…a check…yeah…just a check…just a check…breath…breath…c'mon, breath…_

_It was in that exact fuckin' moment_, when she was still with her head in her hands curled up on that step that she heard her steps, Santana's fast steps running on the floor and speeding near her downstairs. The brunette didn't neither notice her, she was running, running downstairs, running away from that place. Brittany stood up and tried to reach her, but _she was so damn fast! She could just see her walking through the entrance, reaching her car, going inside it and-and…_and then almost attracted by a magic strength she turned her face towards to Brittany_._ It's a moment. Their eyes crossed just for a second and then the brunette left, but the blonde could see her eyes…_her eyes…her wonderful dark eyes…were full of tears._


	5. I'm Sorry

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* * *

><p><strong>Chapter five: I'm Sorry <strong>

5th of June of one year before:

_Two months…two months had been passed since that evening of March…two months…two entire long infinite months, but I wasn't still able to forget what had been happened…it was like a curse…a curse that didn't let me free…you know when something apparently insignificant goes inside your brain and doesn't give you peace?_

_Two months…two months during when I hadn't been able touching her like I had done before…I think she had clearly understood that…but she hadn't ever asked me why…I don't know if she had done it because she had already understood also the reason or if she had simply been afraid of what I would have been answered…"Why, Brit-Brit?"…it's so simple…maybe something will have been changed…maybe not…maybe all these suppositions are useless…no…I'm sure…all these suppositions are useless…but they someway help me to understand…understand why she had behaved like that…understand why I had behaved like that…God…God…no reasons…and no justifications…_

"Please, hon, tell me the bed I see is not a mirage…please…" Brittany sobbed appearing from behind the bathroom door with an expression that call tired was a pure euphemism. Santana kindly smiled at her already lying under the sheets on the right side of the mattress like always and with her left arm lifted up the bedspread to let her come inside.

"Maybe it is, but this doesn't mean you can't come inside and have some pleasant time." she answered with a little smirk, the blonde slipped near to her and held her tight, she put her nose near her neck smelling her fresh scent that she knew so perfectly and letting the brunette softly kissing her forehead.

_Brit was afraid…totally afraid…she needed her…she needed her like she needed the air for breathing…how can she think she would betray her? How the hell? Fuck off…fuck off…that was a perfect moment…perfect…and that awful thoughts were fucking it up…_

Santana's kisses began to go tenderly and sweetly down her face, she kissed her eyebrows, she kissed her eyes, she kissed her nose, she kissed her cheeks, she kissed her chin and then she started to place some little slow kisses on the corners of her lips, on her lower lip, on her upper lip, then she closed her own lips around hers catching her mouth in a deeper kiss.

_She couldn't resist her…she couldn't…San was able to leave her no respite…_ For a couple of moments she let the brunette rock her in that unforgettable kiss. Still with her eyes closed she could just feel the sparks of that kiss shaking her soul in the deepest. She could just feel their tongues melting one with the other. There were just they two. Just they two and their perfect love. There had always been just they two. _And so why? Why the hell she could think that kind of thing? Why? She was her…she had always been her since when she had said "Yes, I want you."…yes, I want you…God…God…_

The brunette's right hand started to move slowly down Brit's body, it slipped under her T-shirt and started to go up until it reached the border of her breast.

"San…San, hon, I-I'm tired." Brittany tried to stop her looking away from her eyes in order to avoid her hurt look.

"Let me relax you." the brunette whispered with her hot voice beginning to kiss her again and reaching with her warm hand the blonde's nipple. Brittany had a pleasure shake. _…how much she wanted she made her love…but at the same time…she couldn't…she couldn't…_

"San…San…p-please…stop it…stop it…San!" she aggressively yelled her then. Suddenly the brunette stopped kissing her and still with her hand on her breast looking at her with guiltiness and incredulity. _Don't know…I think that was the first time since when we had started to live our life together I really hurt her…that consciousness made me feel the triple bad…_

"I-I'm sorry…" Santana whispered and slowly slipped her hand out of the blonde T-shirt. For a couple of seconds she looked at her almost in order to find an answer into her blue eyes and maybe she found it. _I saw like a fast spark into her eyes…she was going to cry…but before I could see her she turned herself back and she put her head on her pillow lying on her right side…_

"San…hon, don't…San…" the blonde began to whisper in her direction.

"No. No. My fault. My fault. I would know you don't…in this period, I mean…I hope…and…I'm sorry. My fault. My fault." she began to explain with her broken voice.

_In that moment I felt all her pain and it hurt me deeply…I would have wanted to cry but…don't know…I was still mad at her in the deep…so I just hugged her from the back…I held her tight…tight like never before…tight 'cause I loved her…I loved her like anyone else in this world… _

Then Santana began to cry louder.

* * *

><p><span>Now:<span>

_C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, brain…think, think, think…think…c'mon…don't let her pain distract you from the right thing to do…c'mon…c'mon…you have to do something, God, you have! You love her, holy Christ! Breath…breath…she's suffering…she's fuckin' suffering…this time's not your fault…breath…and the best thing is that because of that you can do something for her…you can…yes, fuck, you can! Okay…okay…let all these confusing thoughts leave your brain and think…the right thing to do…the right thing…you want to be part of her life again, don't you? You do, you fuckin' do…but you can't be sharp…you can't…'cause she still hates you…yes, yes, you hope and you're someway sure she still loves you, but in this moment she hates you…and she's got all the reasons…all the fuckin' reasons…but she needs you…she needs someone who takes care of her…someone who protects her from the pain…someone who helps her through the pain…and you, you, Brit, you are the one…step by step…step by step…_

"Nyack, Piermont Ave, please." she ordered to the taxi driver, she was almost stammering. _Who can say if that was the right thing? No one. No one. But inside of her mind she knew she had to go there. There. Home. San's home. Herself home. She didn't absolutely know what to say when she will have seen her, but…who cares…this is what she had to do…this…all she have been able to think in that awful crazy moment when she had seen her San crying in her car going out the Hospital, all she had wanted to do is run to her, run and hold her in her arms…honey…honey…_

Thirty minutes after, like always, the taxi left her in front of her house. San's car wasn't there. Maybe it has already been in the garage. Brittany took a deep breath and then began to walk through the driveway. _God…how many times she had walked through it…how many…where the fuck…? Oh, yeah…there it was…haha…she could still remember when she decided to move by herself a huge flower vase…it was huge…huge…San had wanted to make it move by someone else, "It's too heavy, you can't!"…nothing to do, she had been totally sure she can do it and so she had lifted it up, she had begun to walk through the driveway, a bit unstable but she was being able to move it…then San had seen her, "Oh, God! If I had known about your Hulk talent I would have called you for my moving house!" and…yeah…she had began to laugh and the huge flower vase had fallen down breaking into pieces and undermining the tile of the driveway…exactly that tile…God…they had laughed for hours…for hours…_

The blonde hesitant knocked on the door and waited feeling a kind of pleasant and scaring trembling inside her body, but no one opened it. She knocked one more time. Nothing. So she decided to go towards the garage to see if the car was inside, she looked into a little fissure and saw the place empty. San was still out. _Well…she could wait… _She returned back, she sat on one of the chairs of the porch and she waited. There was seven o'clock p.m. On the table there was a magazine: "Rolling Stones". A smile rose on her face. Some things didn't change. _She hasn't ever been a huge fan of that magazine, but…don't know…she could sorta feel San's scent through its pages._ So she started to flip through it to make the time going on.

Nine o'clock p.m. The cold sank on that beginning of night. They were at the end of November and even if the blonde was wearing a heavy jacket she began to feel cold, so she curled up on the chair and rocked by the silence and the dark thinking about her happy past she fell asleep.

* * *

><p>"…Brit? Brit? Brit! Oh, my God, you're like freezing! Brit!" the blonde heard yelling near to her while someone began to shake her by the shoulders, but she was still too weak in the head part for the sleep part for the cold to answer in a way that made sense.<p>

"S-s-st-t…"

"…Brit, what the hell are you saying? And what the hell are you doing here?"

"S-s-stooop the violeeence…" she continued to sing softly without opening her eyes.

"Oh, God…God…you're wandering and you're freezing. Maybe I might…fuck off…fuck off…c'mon, Brit-Brit, c'mon, come inside…com…God…you're kinda freezed!"

When she finally realized what was happening she was lonely inside San's house in front of the fireplace with a duvet on the shoulders. Her hands were red and they hurt her a bit, like her cheeks. She distractedly looked at the o'clock that was over the fireplace: eight o'clock in the morning. _God…God… _

"Do you feel better now?" a hot and familiar voice said behind her back, so she turned herself in that direction just to see the brunette looking at her with an indecipherable look and giving her a cup full of hot tea.

"Definitely. Thank you." the blonde smiled at her who sat on the floor near her and stared at her for a couple of seconds.

"Can you explain me now?"

_Don't know…it was like she hadn't the courage to look into her dark eyes…_

"Sure. I-I…I arrived here at kinda seven o'clock p.m. and you weren't here so I thought I could wait and…then I fell asleep and…so…"

"No, no, no, let me understand: did you wait for me with a temperature of kinda freezing grades for thirteen hours?" she yelled then, but the blonde couldn't understand if she was angry or what.

"You know I've never been good in maths…"

The brunette couldn't help laughing at this comment. _C'mon!_ thought Brittany without letting her see her happiness. But things are not so easy and a heavy silence sank again on the room.

"I-I…I thank you, don't misunderstand me, for waiting for me so long and in the cold and whatever, but…why, Brit? Why did you come?"

The blonde didn't have any idea of what she was supposed to say. So she thought the true was always the best thing, like her grandma had repeated her tons of times.

"Well, I-I…I saw you at the Hospital and-and…you were crying and that-that…that made me worry and so I…I thought…I…"

Suddenly the magic ended vanishing with a pop and the brunette abruptly stood up.

"You don't have to worry about me anymore." she said and without saying anything else she started to walk away.

"I know, San, I know, but-but…I can't avoid it…I will always…worry about you."

The brunette turned herself back looking at her with anger.

"You might worry about Matt, not me!" she shouted pronouncing his name with pain and contempt, "By the way how is he? Is since the glorious day I fired him throwing against his shitty rockfish face my iPhone I haven't unfortunately been seeing him!" she ended then without neither trying to stop her vicious words.

"I-I…I don't know. I left him." she answered. Santana surprised stared at her for a couple of seconds again.

"Anyway I-I…I have to go. You know where the exit is." the woman concluded going out of the door. The blonde took a deep breath and her eyes began to be filled of tears. _Yes, she had imagined it would have been difficult, but…God…see her so hurt inside… _

Not more than thirty seconds ticked on the leaving room's o'clock before she heard the handle of the house moving again, her handsome painful face appeared from behind it, the woman was crying her too, she locked her eyes into the blonde's:

"I-I-I'm sorry. Thank you, but…I-I-I…it's too much for me. Too much."

And a moment later the door closed one more time.


	6. Step by Step

**Chapter six: Step by Step **

17th September of one year before:

_In my life I've always thought there's a reason for everything...so it might be...and this doesn't obviously mean I have an answer for everything...on the contrary...I've never had so many answers...questions a lot...but answers...you know, I've always had my own idea of the world and I know it often doesn't reflect the common way people see it, but I don't care...I've never cared...I know I'm different from anyone else in this world, right like I know in the deep of my soul that there's a reason for everything, even if I don't know it, even if I don't even know myself in the deep...this is why I'm trying, I'm trying with all the strength I have to understand the reason, the fuckin' reason I did what I did...I haven't found it, yet...and probably I ever won't..._

_That night my honey San felt ill. We had gone to a restaurant that cooked only fish, wonderful and tasty fish normally, but probably she had ordered something rotten. When we arrived home she felt bad, she ran to the bathroom and started to vomit. She was so incredibly pale and weak and I stayed for the entire night right near her with a fresh Kleenex on her forehead trying to distract her from her indisposition and rocking her in my arms when she was falling asleep for a couple of minutes. I went away just for a minute every once in a while to wet a new Kleenex with some water and put it into the freezer in order to make it colder. That night she vomited nine times. I said her if she had arrived to ten I would have been forced to bring her to the hospital. I was terrified - even if I tried to hide my feelings to her – because I didn't know what kind of consequences that prolonged illness would have caused - the dehydration, the weakness and most of all the cause of all of them - but she hated hospitals so much that her stomach stopped to nine. It was 6 a.m. when she finally fell asleep, I took her in my arms – she's always been light as a feather - and I brought her to our bed. I kindly put her under the sheets, they were fresh and kinda reassuring after a night like that and then I lied near her. I wasn't able to fall asleep and so I stayed there with my eyes wide open looking at her pale face, caressing her head and softly kissing her temple._

* * *

><p>"Mmm...Brit-brit..." Santana whispered with her eyes still closed to the blonde who hadn't ever stopped to caress her head. It was 10 o'clock in the morning, the sun shining seeped into the blinds and the brunette seemed to Brit still deeply asleep.<p>

"I'm here, honey." she answered her back whispering in order not to wake her up too sharply and placing a huge but tender kiss on her cheek.

The brunette slowly turned her head to her screwing up her eyes like the movement caused her pain, then she opened her dark eyes locking them into the blue ones that was staring at her with love and concern.

"You're always the best awakening I can imagine." she said and then she smiled at her. Brittany suddenly felt the tears rising into her eyes, so she put her face near the one of her love so that their cheeks could touch, she pressed her eyes into San's pillow so that the fabric could delete the tears and she hugged her tight. _I don't know why I cried that day...it's like the feeling of a foresight...the feeling of something perfect but broken...something wrong in something totally right...it's stupid and painful like our minds sometimes create harmful thoughts..._

"Oh, God, but it's Monday! It's late and I-I-I..." Santana began to stammer when the enchantment ended.

"I've already called saying you're sick, hon, don't worry." the blonde whispered in her ear trying to disguise her broken voice.

"I love you, have I ever told you?" the brunette said with a huge smile on her handsome face.

"Kinda one or two...billions time." Brit answered and held her tighter.

"Who did you speak with anyway?"

"Matt."

Santana's body tensed in the exact moment that name came out of Brit's mouth, then she grumbled something incomprehensible.

"What?" the blonde asked her rising from the pillow.

"Nothing." she murmured seeming a bit peeved.

"C'mon."

"It's..." the brunette began gesticulating a bit with her right hand - the left was busy in hugging Brit – but then she stopped for a couple of seconds like she hadn't idea how to continue, she stared at the ceiling biting her lower lip, "It's just...it's just I don't like him."

Brit put again her face into the pillow.

"He's nice to me."

"He wanna have sex with you." the brunette said drily.

"I don't think so..."

"How the hell can you be so naïve?" Santana yelled then rising from the pillow and staring at her with a look full of rage, fear and incredulity.

"You know what? I don't know and if to be naïve means not to think that all the world conspire against you, well, I'm fierce to be naïve!" the blonde said then out loud and going away from the bed she continued without looking at her, "He said you need your i-Pad to do I don't fuckin' know what so I'm going there to catch it. I'll be home for making lunch."

"Brit, please, come back! I didn't want to say what I said! I...Brit!"

* * *

><p><span>Now:<span>

_Even today, even today after one year full of chewing over and thinking and analyzing and supposing, I can't understand how I couldn't understand the way she felt...she was afraid, holy Christ, just afraid! Afraid of losing me! And how can I even just think to blame her? Five months and an half...five months and an half had passed since the last time I had let her make me love...five months...five months during which she had put up with my refusals...and she had never made this thing weight against me...she had suffered...she had thought it was her fault...she had thought I hadn't loved her anymore...and she was afraid...afraid...just afraid...and I wasn't able to understand..._

_But now...God...now I know it...I fuckin' know it and most of all I know I wanna her...just her...her and anyone else in this world...and she must know that too._

The blonde spent twenty minutes sitting Indian style and crying on the Persian carpet in front of the fireplace after Santana had definitely gone out of the door. Then she thought she had taken a load out of her chest enough and the moment to act came. She stood up. Almost 9 o'clock in the morning. She didn't forget San's Saturday schedule: she woke up early and around 8 o'clock she went out to jog or walk, around 10 o'clock she visited her neighborhood's church, she stayed there for some time, for the time she felt right and then returning back home she bought the New York Times and some pieces of yucca bread from a Dominican baker. 11 o'clock home, shower and then she watched Brit making lunch.

_Good...she had time._

First of all she went to the kitchen and spying on into the store cupboard in order to find out what kind of ingredients she had to cook a wonderful lunch for Santana she decided to make her the fish in coconut sauce, a Samanense dish she had taught her to cook. She set the table and while the fish was cooking she caught a pen and some pieces of paper, she sat on the kitchen chair and started to think.

_The first card on the set table so she can easily see it...okay...the others in some other places where she can find them little by little...little by little, yeah...she must go slowly...step by step... _

_First card...okay...uhm..._

"_Hi, San. I made you the lunch. I hope you don't get angry and I hope you like it. I have so much things I wanna tell you, but you totally don't deserve such a sermon, so I will do it little by little. I'm sorry I didn't understand you were just afraid. Your Brit-Brit"_

_And the first is gone...well done...now the second...I will put it into her wardrobe...God...it still smells like her:_

"_Hi, San. Opening the door of your wardrobe seems to me like going back in time. I close my eyes, I feel your scent and I'm still with you. I'm sorry I didn't hug you all the times I would do it. Your Brit-Brit"_

_The third...the third into the drawer of her beside table...she rarely opens it:_

"_Hi, San. I would have been with you to hold you tight when Joey had that little incident with the bottle since that time you hide here. I'm sorry I lost my way home. Your Brit-Brit"_

_Good...now...a fast check to the fish...mmm...if the savor is like the fragrance it will be a wonderful dish...now...the fourth...the fourth in the chest where she puts the wood for the fireplace:_

"_Hi, San. Joey, you, me, a quilt, a hot tea and the fireplace. I'm sorry because I knew it, I fuckin' knew it and I won't ever ever forgive me. Please, do it instead of me. Your Brit-Brit"_

_The fifth into the piano:_

"_Hi, San. How many different melodies can be created with just eight notes and how many different feelings can be expressed with just three words: I love you. I've always loved you more than I've never loved anything else in this world. When I said it I thought it and I think it still now, maybe more than ever. I'm sorry I hurt you so bad. Your Brit-Brit"_

_Now the last one, into the pair of heels I gave her the last birthday we celebrated together:_

"_Hi, San. I would run to you with all the strength I have, but I know it wouldn't be fair. I'll do everything, everything in order to convince you you can trust in me again. I'm sorry I betrayed your trust. Your Brit-Brit" _


	7. Let it Rain

**Hi, guys!**

**I'd like to know if you like how the story is going and if you don't I'd like to know how do you like it!**

**Have a great Sunday and enjoy the reading!**

**the old phib**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter seven: Let It Rain <strong>

17th September of one year before, some time later:

_I suppose the worse thing of that morning, worse than the quarrel, worse than her words, was that during that night I had deceived myself things could go better…you know…you can be mad to someone you really love, you can because of a tons of reasonable reasons, but when that someone gets hurt or feels bad or whatever, well…it's like all your stupid rage suddenly vanishes…and all you can think in that exact moment, when you hold that someone in your arms trying to comfort her and hoping someway your love is enough to make her feel better – even if in the deep of your brain you perfectly know love by itself sometimes can't fix everything – is that you can't bare her pain, that you need she needs you, that you live just for her._

_But then Matt…God…still Matt…maybe someway he was necessary, but…who knows…who knows…maybe her doubts…her founded doubts, I must say…founded because of me…because of my fuckin' mistakes…her doubts might become reality, right like a nightmare, so that then I could show her she might not fear anymore…not fear…_

"My lovely miss Pierce!" Brittany heard saying as soon as she put her hand on the handle of Santana's office in order to enter, she inexplicably felt blushing and slowly turned herself back.

"Hi, Matt. I'm here for the…"

"Sure. Come. I'll show you where it is." he interrupted her with an engaging smile opening the door instead of her and waiting for her to go inside.

_In that moment his look made her feel just uncomfortable…_

"I hope you don't think I'm inappropriate, but I must say this dress fits you wonderfully." he continued without moving away his eyes from her.

"You're kind, but I think you might…just…you know…" she started to stammer. He seemed totally proud of himself.

"Anyway…that's what you come for. The keeper of all my and your boss' secrets." he said giving her the i-Pad case and locking his green eyes into hers.

"She's not my boss, she's just…well…it doesn't matter…thank you and…"

"Let's have a coffee, miss Pierce." he interrupted her.

She looked at him for a couple of seconds, then she gave him her hand in order to say goodbye.

"Thank you, but I don't think it's a good idea. And in addiction you might work there. So…goodbye, Matt."

He didn't loose the hold and strongly kept her hand.

"You know how they say: while the cat's away the mice will play. And you know also I'm not accepting your refusal. I know she keeps you in a short, but just a coffee, miss Pierce."

The blonde was still giving him her back, for some moments she stayed in silence, then she closed her eyes:

"Just a coffee."

_Just a coffee…God…how much I would it was just a coffee…when we sat at one of the tables of a random cafeteria near the record company I couldn't hear what he said…I'm sure his speeches were smart and brilliant and engaging and whatever, but my mind was still full of what he had said to me before…"my and your boss"…"she keeps you in a short"…"your boss"…"your boss"…why the hell did he use that expressions? I thought. So is this the way people sees our relationship? Is this the way goes our relationship? He spoke, spoke and spoke and I nodded, nodded and nodded, I also smiled once in a while, just to pretend I was listening, but…I wasn't…I totally wasn't…because the only reason I was there was to prove to I don't know who the things he had said before weren't true…I was there just because I was angry. It's fool sometimes…our pride…our stupid pride…how many mistakes we do everyday because of our stupid pride…_

When they went out of the cafeteria it was raining.

"Do you want a lift under my umbrella?" Brittany said while his hair became to wet giving to him a strangely hot experienced air.

"No, thanks. I love the rain. Sometimes it's the only thing that helps us washing away our control and doing what we really want to." he answer with confidence, then he came near her, with the hand pushed away her umbrella so that the rain began to wet her too and before she could protest he kissed her on the lips.

_I don't know why I didn't rebel to that kiss…I don't know…maybe I wanted it too…maybe I was just mad at Santana…maybe there's not a reason…_

"You see? It's just the power of the rain! Goodbye, my lovely miss Pierce." he exclaimed when their kiss ended, then with a little bow he turned back and went away leaving her there under the rain while her umbrella was still lying at her feet.

* * *

><p><span>Now:<span>

When Brit's cell phone vibrated it was nearly 4 o'clock p.m.

"I'm not angry because of your surprise, I'm angry because it reminds me how much perfect it was. But thank you. Delicious. Like it used to. San"

_Like it used to…God…_

"In the deep of my heart I'm totally sure it can be like that again. It took to me too much time and it took to you too much pain so that I can understand that, but I'll do all that I can and also all that I'm not able to yet to convince you it can. Brit-Brit"

_That was the point. That was her point. All that she could and also all that she wasn't able to yet. Continuity. She needed continuity. She needed to show her that she didn't want to go away. She wanted to remain aside, right there near her 'till the moment she would say "yes, you can come in now", "yes, I'm ready now" , "yes, you can help me now"._

* * *

><p>Five past 5 o'clock p.m. Monday evening. Rainy evening. But the blonde had her umbrella. Like always. She never forgot to bring it when the weather was uncertain. Instead Santana did. She never remembered to bring it when the weather was uncertain. <em>I perfectly knew that and so if I had some free time I went to the record company with my umbrella and when she stopped working I was there waiting for her to give her a lift so that she didn't wet.<em>

_And so I'll do,_ she thought that rainy Monday evening. And so she did. And so it was five past 5 o'clock p.m. when the blonde saw the brunette who hardly hid a spontaneous little laugh as soon as she caught the sight of Brittany waiting for her right out of the sliding glass doors of the record company with her stupid pink umbrella that Santana gave her eight or nine years before. Joey had said she would like to own an umbrella like the one of Mary Poppins so that she could fly where she wanted but Britt had commented that it had been a very sad kind of umbrella to fly around with it, pink would be better.

_In that moment I felt just…don't know…right. Me, my pink umbrella, San, her kind look, her tiny smile…right…just right…_

"Tell me you learned the lesson and you don't need my pink umbrella!"

Santana's look was sad in the deep, but she cutely smiled anyway.

"I'd like to, but I must say some things never change." she answered with her hot voice, then they looked at each other with waiting, but they both didn't seem to be in a hurry.

"Please, miss Lopez." the blonde whispered then raising the elbow of the hand that held the pink umbrella so that she could take her arm. For a couple of seconds the brunette stared at her with an indecipherable look, then she bit her lower lip and sighing made a step towards to her taking her arm.

_One year passed. One entire year passed since the last time they had touched. One year. One year. But she didn't forget the sparks. A touch. A simple light touch was enough to bring her back in time. Santana…just Santana could make her feel like that…a touch, holy Christ! A touch! And she felt she was free to die now, now that she reached perfection…her soul was shaking inside her body…it's like her heart physically recognized the touch of something belonged to it…it's like her heart wanted to say her "don't let her go!"…_

"I've never liked the rain." Brittany could finally say while they started to walk.

"I know. You said it's not fair someone else can decide instead of you that you have to wet."

The blonde laughed a little:

"I'm glad to see this time you studied, miss Lopez." she ended. Then they arrived at her car.

"C'mon, I give you a lift."

"Uh…no, you-you…you don't have to…if-if…" the blonde started to stammer thinking maybe she could feel forced.

"You know if I don't want to I won't." she pronounced clearly going inside her black car. Brittany imitated her no discussing. Santana started the engine and they left under the rain.

No one seemed to know what they were supposed to say and so they stayed in silence until they reached the first red light. Santana turned to the blonde who was staring at her. That look seemed to make her a bit embarrassed.

"What are you thinking 'bout?" she said in order to break the silence.

"I was thinking that you're so beautiful, right like the last time I saw you, but I see you also very very tired…aren't you?"

The brunette swallowed trying in a second to understand if she was the same person to she had said everything. The light became green.

"Yeah. I am."

_In that moment I didn't know if I was supposed to touch her, but…who cares…_

Brittany raised her left hand and kindly put her dark hair behind her ear, then she went down with her hand on the back of her shoulders and she began to make slow circles caressing it. Santana closed her eyes for a moment and suddenly two tears crossed her cheeks.

They went on simply like that, Santana silently crying and Brittany kindly rubbing her back. Twenty minutes later Santana parked near the footstep in front of the flat where the blonde lived. The brunette dried her eyes with her hands, Brittany was still looking at her like she had done during all the travel.

"I know I pissed all off and I made a thing that call the hugest mistake of my life would be a stupid euphemism, but the only thing I want you to know now is that now I'm here for you. I'm here, even if you don't trust me, even if you don't want me, even if you don't know what you wanna do. I am here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here and here I'm staying, waiting for you to make of me all you want to." the blonde firmly said, then before the brunette could neither open her mouth she abruptly went out of the car under the rain and she walked around the car until the driver's door, she opened it and the water started to wet Santana too, who didn't understand what the blonde was doing and looked at her with question. The rain careless fell down and the noise caused by its pouring forced the blonde to shout:

"One day someone said to me the rain sometimes is the only thing that helps us washing away our control and doing what we really want to! So come here now!"

The brunette a bit unsure obeyed like pulled by an invisible strength and for a couple of moments they stayed there under the rain pouring staring at each other. They were both crying melting their tears with the drops of rain. Then the blonde hugged her holding her light body tightest she could.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes after Brittany came inside her house her cell phone vibrated one more time:<p>

"I tried to forget you with all the strength I have, but now I can't bare anymore my unsuccessful attempts and all I'd like is forgive you. Help me 'cause I can't do it on my own. San"

* * *

><p><strong>Let me say now...I began to read "Color" and all I can think is that if people like its author is Glee's author maybe I'll like it more than I do!<strong>

**RIB! Give us more Brittana!**

**;)**


	8. I Miss Us

**Hi, guysss!**

**Chapter very dialogued...I like it 'cause I like movies more than books...I hope you like it too! ****Let me know!**

**Enjoy the reading!**

**the old phib**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter eight: I Miss Us <strong>

20th October of one year before_:_

_I understood it now…maybe I've known it yet, but…don't know…it's like just now it is totally clear to me…the worst thing in the world is to love someone who doesn't love you in the same way. When I was young I loved Santana right so much than I do now…and she left me…she went away, away from me, away from us, away from herself…but even in the darkest phase, even when I hated her for leave me I perfectly knew she loved me…she was just terribly afraid of dealing with the consequences of her own feelings…and so she ran away…but she loved me, God…and this sureness helped me preserving my love for her until the day she took a step back and she conquered my heart again. But…but during those months, those terrible months she was simply terrified of losing me, terrified I didn't love her…and that, that is the worst thing in the world…the worst…and one more time I didn't understand it…_

Since that kiss he had called her many times in order to see her, but she had always said no. _Did she regret? Yes. Were she insanely intrigued by the man? Maybe. Were she sure nothing will have pushed her doing it again? No. No, hell, no…_

Brit and San quarreled that day. _No, don't ask me the reason…I don't remember it, but I can assure you it was stupid…stupid and senseless and useless and…you know…when things go in the wrong way you can find excuses for everything… _

And then her cellphone rang. Matt. He wanted to see her. Okay. Same cafeteria. Same table. Same engaging smile. Same kiss. This time to say hi, not bye. They had crossed the border. Two cappuccinos, thanks. And then her cellphone rang again. It was her:

"Brit, please, tell me you love me."

"I really don't think this is the best moment to start to discuss…"

"Please." the voice at the other hand of the line repeated clearly. _Her annoyance raise._

"We've just quarreled. You can't just call me and…"

"It's just…just that I miss us." she concluded holding the tears.

"See you later." Brit coldly concluded, then without neither waiting for her to answer she put a stop to the conversation.

* * *

><p><span>Now:<span>

"Hi! I was thinking 'bout you and then I said to myself "God, why think in vain? Call her!" and so here I am! Nice dreams tonight, San?" Brittany chirped with her joyful voice hiding with respectable mastery the light agitation that during that period of absence the just hearing her hot voice caused inside her soul. It was half past 8 a.m. and she was sitting on her sofa toying with her blonde hair. _She couldn't stop thinking about her…_ For a couple of seconds she heard just her breath, she could recognize it, otherwise she would have thought she had called the wrong person.

"Not really." she finally whispered. It took just a second to the blonde to understand she was crying, even if Santana was trying everything in order to hide her broken voice.

"Oh, God, what's happened?" Brittany immediately answered with concern.

Silence again. But this time it was different. It was like she was trying to decide what she was supposed to answer. _She hated me…she hated me with all her heart, but she's always been smart, she perfectly knew that if only she had wanted that I hadn't known anything she would have been able not to answer at the call when she had seen her name on her cellphone…she was crying and in the exact moment her heart made her push the "answer" button she knew she wanted me to know the reason why…_

"It's-it's…ju-just…a-a-a…"

"Are you home now?" the blonde interrupted her stammering standing up with a jump.

"Ye-Yeah, but…why…"

"Give me ten minutes! I'm coming!" she continued catching a pair of sneakers, a jacket and a bag. The other tried to reply, but the conversation has already ended. Anyway she didn't recall in order to make her change her mind.

* * *

><p><em>I didn't know what to think…during those about ten minutes that separated me from her house I could just think I was terribly worried…Joey's concern…she was an intuitive girl…I trusted in her smartness…then the hospital…San's tired face…now the cry…God…God…why can't the taxi driver go faster? God…God…<em>

"Keep the change!" she shouted running off the car while the driver hasn't almost parked yet.

_Oh, honey…tell me you're okay…please…please…_

The door slowly opened and her damp red eyes welcomed her in spite of all with a look full of gratitude and kindness.

"I might say you haven't to come, but I am…so relieved seeing you here. " she said forcing herself not to stammer, then she turned herself back and went inside her house dragging her feet until the carpet in front of the fireplace where the fire was pleasantly crackling. Brittany closed the door behind her shoulders, hanged up her jacket in the closet and then she sat Indian style near her. The brunette's look seemed lost into the fire. _She was so beautiful…the features of her face…her sweet profile…her full lips…her deep dark eyes…her long eyelashes…her perfect eyebrows…her snub nose…her long black hair…her smooth skin…the smooth and soft skin of her neck…how much I wanted to kiss her neck…to kiss it softly…just to smell her scent…_

The blonde put her left hand on the floor and hinging on it she moved nearer to her who seemed still lost in her thoughts and then she reached Santana's cheek with her lips. She kissed her gently. She kissed her innocent. _It was just a cheek kiss, but...don't know…I felt like I wanted to cry…the just touch…my lips…my lips on her…where they belonged…I closed my eyes and all the life we lived together suddenly came into my mind…all our recalls…recalls of love…recalls of family…recalls of beauty…recalls of perfection…then I really cried…but just a pair of tears because I had to be strong…strong for her…strong for us…_

"Come." the blonde said then to her and when she looked at her she opened her arms in order to hug her. Santana sobbed and closing her eyes with the tears streaming again down her face she abandoned her head on Brit's shoulder and let herself go into her warm hug. Her arms fitted perfectly like they used to with the light body of the woman.

"It's for the same reason you were at the hospital, isn't it?" the blonde tried to touch on when the brunette seemed to be more at her ease.

"Yeah." she just answered continuing to stay with her eyes closed abandoned into Brit's arms.

"Are you waiting for some results or is it something you're sure about?" she asked with hesitation.

"The second." she whispered, then a heavy silence sank on the room, even the fire seemed to fear to let out its crackling. One moment later Santana went temporarily away from Brit's arms in order to look into her blue eyes, then she breathed and clearly pronounced, "I've got cancer."

_In that exact moment I felt myself dying…she's got cancer…she…my hon…my San…she's got cancer…I couldn't believe it's true…_

"Some months ago I began to have some vaginal bleeding and so I went to the gynecologist and he ordered me a biopsy and a magnetic resonance and after all these tests he-he s-sa-said to me I-I…I've got a-an endometrioid adenocarcinoma, a kind of uterine cancer." she said in one swallow, then she burst into tears.

Brittany didn't know what she could say in order to comfort her, not count she felt terrified and desperate because of the worst new. _Maybe she couldn't say anything…but she could do something…yeah…she had to… _She said her to go into her arms, she made her sit on her thighs and hugged her with all the strength she had rocking her gently with an hand on her head and placing once in a while some huge kisses on her cheek wet by her tears.

"I'm trying to be strong and think positive and hide all my fears especially when I'm with Joey, but then there are moments when I can't. I simply can't. Right like now. I have to be there at half past 9 and the only thought I will be there lonely, lonely with my…"

"Let's go! I'm coming with you." the blonde interrupted her words and one more time her feeble protests didn't have any effect.

* * *

><p>The weather was terrible. It was raining buckets.<p>

"Today the oncologist will explain me how we will face the thing." Santana answered her trying not to cry again, while the blonde held her hand on the gears.

"What are you thinkin' 'bout now?" the blonde asked her then looking at her concerned face.

"Will I have to do a chemotherapy? Will I have to do a radiotherapy? Will I have to have surgery? Will I die?" she ended then keeping a hiccup.

Brittany suddenly turned to her: "You won't die."

"You can't know it."

"No, you're right, I can't, but I know you." the blonde firmly said, then she breathed for a couple of seconds, "I know you and you're the strongest person I…"

"Oh, c'mon! It's just a mountain of bullshits!" the brunette started to yell.

"What?"

"I'm not strong! I feel just totally terrified and you can't know how it is!" she continued beginning to gesticulate with both her hands. Brittany didn't think neither for a second about what she was supposed to say and with all the voice she had she shouted:

"Let me feel it!"

"What the hell…"

"I don't know how it is, so let me feel it!" she repeated again. Santana turned towards to her and looked at her instead the road for some time, then she looked straight.

"Okay." she muttered and then she pushed on the accelerator. The speed rapidly started to rise until it began 110 mph. The commotion of the rain pouring on the glasses was almost unbearable. _The view was awful. I don't really really know how she can avoid a crash driving like that and so I began to feel very awkward…_

"Are you afraid now that I'm driving so fast with a rain that totally avoid me to view the street?"

"I-I…yeah, I-I…a bit…"

"Not enough." the brunette interrupted her stammering and she accelerated until 135 mph.

"Okay, okay, San, I've understood now! Can you slow down now, please?" the blonde asked her with a voice that really began to seem afraid.

"Not yet." she answered, "And if I drive with an only finger?" she continued and she completely left the wheel, "And what if I drive without the hands?"

"San, please!"

_In that moment she felt just terrified, totally terrified… _

"And if I close my eyes?"

The blonde started to cry because of the fear and yelled with her broken voice: "San, I beg you! I got it! I got it!"

The speed started to slow down. 120…100…90…80…70…65 mph. Like it had to. They just breathed for a couple of minutes, then they arrived at the parking of the hospital. Santana turned off the engine and looked at her: "I'm sorry."

"Don't be, but don't do it anymore, please. I would miss us too much for dying." the blonde answered _and then Santana totally surprised her, she leaned towards her reaching out her arms for her and she hugged her tight…_

"I'm sure I would miss us too. I'm sure 'cause I missed us all this time."


	9. Beautiful

**Hi, guys!**

**Sorry for the delay, but…you know, it' s Christmas time and there's so much to do! Please please please forgive me!**

**I wish you a merry Christmas and can the new year bring you lot of love, fun and happiness! Oh, also lot of Brittana, thank you Santa…**

**Enjoy the reading and enjoy your holydays!**

**the old phib**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter nine: Beautiful<strong>

9th December of one year before:

_I don't know if maybe it was already too late, but that day I was near to stop me. Nothing probably will have changed 'cause even if our affair would have ended that day, even if she will have never caught us…God…well, I wouldn't have been able to live lying to her all the time…_

_But that day…that day I was going to him…it was 8 o'clock in the evening…"Sorry, San, I'll be home late, extra-work at the dance school!"…God…fuck off to me…fuck off to me…I usually curse myself because of what I've done, but I can't just cancel it…I can't…_

_I had changed clothes, I had made me up in my office doing my best to look the hottest but when I found myself near to the exit I remembered to have left my set of keys in one of the changing rooms while I was talking to my ballet company…you know, I'm used to leave things where they shouldn't be…I'm that kind of person that people defines the ones with the head in the clouds… _

Brittany gracefully ran through the corridor reaching the changing room where she left the keys, the door was half-closed, the light was off and she didn't expect to find anyone in it since the only human being at the school might be Stephanie, one of the dance teachers she had employed that might be in one of the ball room trying a choreography to teach her girls the day after. She could even hear the music.

The blonde flung the door open and at the same time turned on the light.

"Oh, my-my…I'm sorry! I'm-I'm…I thought…" she began to stammer feeling totally embarrassed. Two girls for a couple of moments stared at her without any word going out their mouth. They seemed both uncomfortable. Jane closed her eyes with a loser expression. Maria instead continued to look at the blue eyes of their teacher with anger and desperation, then she started to cry and addressing to Jane cry out:

"I told you! I told you! And you said "Don't worry, we're just you and I, Steph is in the ball room for all the evening!" Fuck off! Fuck off!"

Jane didn't seem to know what she was supposed to say:

"I-I-I feel shitty. I know it doesn't change anything but…"

"God…God…" Maria continued to repeat still crying sitting on a bench. Jane still stayed up. _I was sure she wanted to touch her to dry her tears away, I could see her wills into her dark eyes…but she didn't do it…they were making out…I've just seen them making out…I didn't know they were together…no one in the company knew they were together, I suppose…and in that moment I understood the reason why…they didn't want anyone to know they weren't just best friends…_

"Girls, I'm so sorry I-I interrupted you, but…I-I'm going, I…I'm sorry. Really really sorry." the blonde said and rapidly embarrassedly turned back, but Jane finally spoke:

"Teacher, please, don't tell anybody."

Brittany closed her eyes and breathed. _She had to…_ Then she closed the door and walked again in the changing room:

"I know it's hard…"

"You don't know anything!" Maria yelled through her tears.

Brittany deeply breathed again, then she walked until the bench and sat on it.

"Have you ever seen that pretty dark-haired woman that sometimes visits me when I'm working here?"

The two girls nodded.

"She's my partner. Since nine years. I love her like anyone else in this world and we fell in love when we were girls. Girls like you." Brittany explained. The two remained astonished. "So I know it's hard."

The silence sank on the room. The blonde seemed a bit upset.

"I'm sorry, teacher. I-I-I didn't know and…I-I-I'm…just afraid." Maria thought she had to justify her previous anger words, then she burst into tears, Jane sat on the bench and hugged her while Britt started to caress her shoulders nodding to Jane who looked at her almost in order to find a validation for what she was doing, then she started to speak again:

"I don't know if you are in love or not or you don't know or whatever and I don't want you to tell me anything unless you don't want to, but I wanna tell you just one thing: don't let anything damages what you have, because love is the only thing that matters. If you love Jane, Maria, live her. Live her, 'cause time is the worst enemy we have, it runs and it would be a pity you had this love now and you didn't live it all." she stopped for a second, like overwhelmed by memories, "You're young, girls, you've got a whole life waiting for you, but don't waste it being afraid. Kiss her, Maria, hug her, feel her, live her, 'cause now you can." she ended. The tears too.

"Thank you, teacher." Jane answered for both of them.

"You're welcome." the blonde said with a tiny smile and stood up, "Feel free to…you know…I'm going." she continued. They funny smiled.

"By the way, …" she concluded then closing the door behind her back, "… I think you're very nice together!"

_God…God…_ she thought in the exact moment the door closed behind her shoulders and suddenly she began to cry. With her back slipped on the wall with her head in her hands and began to silently sob. _Jane and Maria…God…they were like San and me…Maria and Santana…both beautiful…both terrified…terrified to face their feelings…terrified that people rumored…ready to lose everything because of the fear…but our love was too strong…too strong to surrender…_

_And so? What was happening to me? What? I loved her, God, I loved her with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my sometimes stupid and twisted way to show it to her…but…but…God…I was mad at her…I-I-I…before I hated her for thinking I could betray her and in that moment I hated myself for having made her fears come true…I was so mad…so mad at the world…I was mad at me…I was mad at her…I was mad at Matt for going inside my life…I was mad at the rain…I was mad at me…at me…at me…at me…_

* * *

><p>When she finally arrived home she was still crying. It was half past 9, she opened the door and she immediately saw San relaxed on the sofa. She was already wearing her cream-colored pajamas, her hair styled in a pony-tail, her right hand toying with a wisp.<p>

"Hey! You're not so late after all!" she yelled when she heard the door open and then she turned back with a start, "Oh, God, honey, wha-what happened?"

Brittany left the jacket and the bag falling on the ground.

"I-I-I-I…I'm s-s-sorry. I'm so so s-sorry, hon." she stammered looking at her with her red eyes full of tears.

"Why are you sorry? No no no, not now, come here now, here and calm down." the brunette answered opening her arms.

_That…that was all I wanted to see…and I ran, I ran into her arms…_

They relaxed on the sofa, Santana hugging her tight and rocking her gently in order to make her believe everything was okay, but Brittany continued to sob, she seemed inconsolable. It took twenty minutes of rivers of tears to her crying to stop. They were with their faces one next to the other, their noses could almost touch. Santana was kindly caressing Brit's cheek with the back of her hand staring at her with love and concern. Brit had her eyes closed and lightly breathed, one leg between the other's ones, her arms curled up between her body and Santana's, _she could feel her belly and her breasts pulling against her in order to make her feel protect and home and warm and not alone… _

The blonde opened her eyes and saw her dark ones. They were so deep. She could see all the life she had lived in them. She was so beautiful. She was so in love with her. _How could she do to her a thing like that? _She closed her eyes again and moving her face a bit closer she slipped her nose beneath Santana's and touched her lips with hers in a salty kiss. She kissed her shyly like she's never done it. Then she detached herself for a second, she opened her eyes and looked at her. _Yes…this is my way…she is my way… _She kissed her again, she caught her lower lip sucking it gently like she liked to, she felt her flavor, it was her favorite one. Santana lightly moaned and a single little tear began to cross her cheek ending its road into their kiss. Brittany could taste her pain in her salty tear, her pain, her fear, her relief, her love. _How did she miss them…_

They just kissed all night long on the sofa while the television screened on their bodies images they didn't absolutely care about. They kissed. They kissed in all the ways they knew. They cried. They kissed. Until the sun rose behind the windows. Then they just hugged themselves, they hugged themselves tight 'cause they didn't want to leave the other anymore.

* * *

><p><span>Now:<span>

_I've never been able to think how it's hard...I knew make her forgive me would be very very difficult, but I didn't consider how would be the stay so close to her without being able to reach her soul for really...how many times I wanted to kiss her...how many times I wanted to caress her cheek and hug her and hold her and abandon my body into her arms...just like I had done that night of December...it was December again...I was still trying to go again inside her life...and it was going well...we were again kinda best friends...we had coffees, I went with her to the hospital when she had to, sometimes I met Joey, when San worked 'til dinner time I cooked them dinner...step by step, I said, and step by step would be..._

_And then it was Sunday...the Sunday before her operation...hysterectomy the surgeons called it...it was the only way to try to remove the cancer from her body… I went to her for dinner...I made her dinner and we ate it together, Joey was with her father during week-ends...well, I ate it...she looked to...she wasn't hungry...she was totally terrified..._

"Go and sit on the sofa, I'll wash the dishes." Brittany said with a smile to her when the clock on the kitchen's wall ticked 9 o'clock p.m. "I grant you thirty minutes of television, then you must go to bed, you have to wake up very early tomorrow!"

"Okay...mama." the brunette answered with a little smirk and went in the living room.

"I'm not that old!"

* * *

><p>"Half past nine! Go to bed now!" Brittany yelled going out the kitchen. The brunette turned off the television and stood up.<p>

"Thank you for everything." she whispered with her hot voice walking towards to her trying to hide the afraid expression of her face.

"It's the least I can do." she answered smiling at her, she put on her jacket and hugged her, "See you tomorrow morning. Try not to think and try to sleep a bit. G'night, San." she ended and smiling again closed the door behind her back.

It took about five seconds to her to knock again on it.

Santana opened it and watched her amused:

"Did you forget someth..."

"Look, ..." the blonde interrupted her, "...I know I'm probably inappropriate or something...no, I'm sure I am, but I wanna ask anyway." she said in a breath, than she took a second before stammer "D-do you like if I-I stay here tonight?"

_She looked at me with her wonderful tired wide open eyes:_

"Oh…uhm...uh..."

"It's a bullshit. I knew it...I knew it. Sorry, I-I'm going…really going n..."

"I'd totally like you to stay." the brunette interrupted her with her firm voice and then a little little smile rose on her face, "C'mon. I...I cherished some clothes...your clothes...you can put in. I bring them to you." she concluded and directed upstairs.

_God, she had cherished my clothes…_

* * *

><p><em>I was in the bathroom making me up for the night...she gave me a heavy pijamas she bought me a couple of years before...she was waiting for me under the sheets...God...that would be the hardest test...but I had to go there, go there, hold her tight and…stop...stop...c'mon...breath...breath...open the door...not faint...<em>

"Does it fit me wonderfully, yet?" the blonde said ridiculously posing. Santana tried to smile at her, but her face was so worried. Brittany turned to serious.

"It will be all okay." she said pulling up the duvet and slipping on the mattress until she reached Santana's body. Her feet were cold like always, so she came closer to her and hugged her from the back. They fit perfectly. As always.

"How is it?" Santana asked then.

"What?"

"This. Me. Us." she murmured with her voice near to broken.

_I stayed in silence for a while...then I closed my eyes and just felt..._

"Beautiful. Strange. Scaring. Relieving." she whispered, "Beautiful."


	10. My Life

**Hi, guys!**

**I'm still waiting for your reviews…please, guys make this poor old phib happy!**

**Enjoy the reading!**

**the poor poor old phib**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter ten: My Life<strong>

12th December of one year before:

"We need to talk. At my house. 3 p.m. Britt" she had texted Matt that morning, he had just said "Okay. M". Now it was 5 to 3. The doorbell rang, the blonde was sat on the sofa and jumped on it scared by the noise.

_God…God…he's arrived…breath…breath…let's…let's just tell him what you feel…and it will be okay…okay…okay…God…I'm sorry, Matt…I's been an idiot, just an huge idiot…I don't love you, I love her and-and-and…God…we can't go on with our affair…we can't…I don't know what I will do…I don't know what, but-but-but…God…all I know is that I love her and I'm hurting her deeply, very very deeply and I can't go on…I can't…I love her…God…God… _

"Hi." she murmured looking at him who was waiting behind the door staring at her handsome and charming like always.

"Hi, baby." he answered, but she didn't move at all, so he felt duty bound to continue, "Can I…kinda…come inside?"

"Oh, uh, yeah…sorry…come." the blonde stammered making room for him. They sat on the sofa. She was still in silence and stared at the fireplace.

"Bad news for me?" he suddenly said. He wasn't stupid. She hadn't come that evening. Now they had to talk. There was something wrong. Something wrong with him. Something wrong with them. The blonde took some deep breaths.

"Look, Matt, I-I-I…" she began to stammer gesticulating with both her arms, but still without being able to look into his eyes, "I don't know the reason why I did what I did, but I clearly know I love her and…"

"You're lying." he firmly interrupted her. She turned her face towards to him with an expression that was a mixture of surprise and annoyance.

"No, I'm not. I love her."

"Oh, I know that." he answered nodding with her head, then he raised his hand and came closer to the blonde and put her hair behind her ear, "But you know also the reason why you did what you did."

Her blue eyes rapidly moved in order to watch at all the tones of the expression of his face that was closer and closer to hers. _In that moment I felt scared and worried but still someway attracted by him…_

"She doesn't care 'bout you like I do. She doesn't make you feel appreciated and desired like I do. She doesn't believe in you like I do. She doesn't believe in your love like I do. She doesn't trust in you like I do." he listed with his hoarse hot voice and then he kissed her on the lips. She kissed him back for a couple of seconds. Then she immediately parted.

"Matt, I-I-I…I like you, Matt, you're handsome and nice and funny and brilliant and whatever, but I can't. I can't." she began to explain to him who seemed not to listen and started to softly kiss her neck saying between the kisses:

"You can.", kiss, "You totally can.", kiss, "You did.", kiss, "And you can do it again.", kiss. The kisses began to move closer to her face and then to her mouth and then they were kissing again. He pulled her down on the sofa and still with their lips glued he began to unbutton the shirt she was wearing and then he began to kiss the skin of her belly going slowly up in sync with his hands that were going up on her back until they reached her blue bra. He untied it and threw it on the carpet. His mouth reached one of her nipples and his lips surrounded it. She lightly moaned.

And then they heard it. They heard the lock of the door opening. He suddenly kneeled down lifting himself from the blonde just in order to see Santana appearing from behind the door, looking at him surprised before, frozen then. At the first time she hadn't understood, then she had seen his ruffled hair, his red face, his shirt creased and a bit unbuttoned. Then she had seen the blonde emerging from the sofa. Santana's face seemed freezing. Her mouth was open. Her expression was hurt and shocked. _It was like she felt in an only moment all the pain and the weigh of the universe falling on her shoulders…she seemed to me like she was dead…dead because of the pain…dead because of me._

* * *

><p><span>Now:<span>

_That night I slept well like I've not done in months…twelve months exactly…one year…exactly…exactly…yeah, I needed her even for sleeping…I don't know…her thin body…the fresh scent of her hair…the physical contact between my belly and her back…my legs confused into her legs…my fingers between her fingers…my mouth so near her neck…this is what I need…this…this…this…_

Santana woke up before her and turned around in order to look at her face. Her morbid movement made the blonde wake up too and when she opened her eyes she saw the brunette not more than two inches far away from her nose.

"G'morning, hon." she said with an innocent still sleepy voice.

Santana seemed surprised but in a positive way.

"Hi." she answered and smiled a bit.

With her left hand the blonde put San's hair behind her ear and with her thumb she lightly caressed her cheek:

"How do you feel?"

She instinctively closed her eyes and bended her head towards to her caress in order to feel it better.

"I've had better mornings than that, but…sincerely I expected to feel worse. Maybe it's your fault."

_In that moment she felt so incredibly proud and happy…she made her feel a bit better!_

"Come here then. Hug me and let me make you feel a bit less worse more."

"…a bit worse less more worse what?"

"God, you know I've never been good at Grammar, too! Come here and shout up, miss "I know anything"!" the blonde yelled laughing and then held her woman trying not to think _that she was dying second by second into her arms, that she was seriously ill, that she was with her life in the hands of the faith and of the doctors that will have operated her in a few… _

* * *

><p><em>I held her hand during all the way to the hospital…it seemed to me so cold…<em>

Since the moment they arrived at the hospital they couldn't neither speak, they needed to talk with a clerk, with some nurses and with three doctors, two surgeons and an anesthetist. _You must do this…you must do that…we will come…this is where you can put this…this is where you can put that…I'm here to make you a sampling…one test-tube more…good morning, miss Lopez, how do you feel…who are you…I'm her partner…what do you do here…etcetera etcetera etcetera… _

And then the last nurse came. He said Santana will have entered in the operating theatre in ten minutes. The brunette was on the bed. She closed her eyes. Brittany was sitting on the edge of it, she came closer. They were hand-holding.

"Have you ever been really really scared?" the brunette whispered then without still opening her eyes.

"Sure. When Joey fell down the stairs five years ago and cut her head for example. Why?" the blonde answered bending her head a bit.

"Because now I am that scared." Santana firmly said and at the end of her sentence slowly lifted her eyelids.

_Honey…she just need some reassurances…_

"C'mon, hon, don't be, your operation will end soon and I will be right here waiting for you and..."

"It's not that." she interrupted her shaking her head a bit.

_I don't understand…_

"What do you mean?"

Santana stared at her for a couple of moments just like she was trying to find somewhere the courage to say something she's never thought she will have said. She took some breaths. She licked her lips.

"I'm scared because in this moment when I'm supposed to be begging God so that He let me still alive, my only thought is that I want you to kiss me."

_I-I-I-I…God…she wants me to kiss her…oh, God, thank you God…thank you…now just make her get well…please…please God…take my life instead of hers if you need one…take mine…not_ _hers…please…_

"And why does this thought scare you?"

She looked at her like this was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Because it means I'm more worried by the idea you won't than by the idea I could die."

"You know I'm just waiting for you to ask me that, don't be scared I won't." the blonde sincerely answered. _She knew San knew…she were just waiting for one her little word…_

"I know but...it's neither that." the brunette repeated. She still couldn't clarify.

"I really don't understand what are you trying to..."

"I'm totally unable not to fall in love with you every single time I look at you!" she interrupted her almost screaming while her wonderful dark eyes started to be full of tears, but her voice was still so sure, "I love you! I need you! And this terrifies me because you hurt me deeply like just you could do but I can't live without you and..."

_She couldn't wait anymore…San had said "I want you to kiss me", "I love you", "I need you"…"I'm totally unable not to fall in love with you every single time I look at you"…"I want you to kiss me"._ And she did. The blonde didn't wait neither for the end of her sentence, because, _yeah, all those wonderful sweet lovely words were totally relieving and reassuring and pleasant and wonderful and whatever, but…but she had said she wanted her to kiss her. And she's waited for that request for one entire year…_

The blonde suddenly bended down on her with her long blonde hair melting with her brown one and at her leisure kindly leaned her lips on hers.

_It was…it was like the room was swallowed up by the darkness…it was…it was like in that moment __there was no time, there was no air, no order, no sadness, no missing, no silence…no shadow of a doubt…no living soul…in that moment there weren't almost neither them…there were just the hands and the hair and the lips and the tongues and the skin and the hearts…there were just two hearts…two hearts beating at the same time…two hearts beating in sync…two hearts beating like they were one…the hands held…the fingers twisted…the hair melted…the lips pushing…the tongues playing…playing a game they had missed so much…playing a game they remembered so perfeclty…playing a game they would never stop…_

_I tasted her truest flavor…I felt her full morbid lips pushing onto mine…I felt her tears wetting her and seeping slowly into our mouths melted…onto my tongue…onto her tongue…it was an another salty kiss…but I liked all her different tastes, even the sad ones…I felt her tongue into my mouth again…my head was totally in the cloud…at one point I couldn't distinguish my tongue from hers anymore…we were just…just…one soul and one heart, one being, one person, one love…_

Coff! Coff! They suddenly heard from the door. They abruptly parted holding a little giggle and drying off their faces with their fingers.

"It's time, miss Lopez." the nurse said professionally.

"Thank you." Santana said then she turned to Brittany while the nurse with a co-worker started to push the bed out of the room.

"I love you like I've never loved anyone else in this world." the blonde said to her with a look full of love, "You'd better don't fuckin' leave me." she continued, then a little tear fell down her face. Santana raised her pinkie:

"I finger-promise."

Brit linked her pinkie for a little second, but then she might let go the hold.


	11. Please

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* * *

><p><strong>Chapter eleven: Please<strong>

12th December of one year before, one moment later:

_You know when the time seems to freeze and you can stare at the whole world turning around you like you're watching a slow series of frames that rhythmically follow one another in front of your eyes? Time sometimes is so strange, isn't it? Sometimes it runs making you curse it for the uninterested indifference that it stoles the best moments of your life with. Sometimes it slows down and down, it almost stops forcing you to see, forcing you to feel every single second of it. Imagine now...imagine someone slapping you in the face...imagine someone stabbing you with a knife...imagine someone giving you a punch with all his rage...now imagine it in a slow motion...imagine to feel the slap burning and burning on your skin...imagine the knife slowly getting in your belly...imagine the cartilage of your nose and the bones of your face crashing down and imagine to hear, to feel, to live every single tiny crack of them...unbearable, right? Unbearable. But you have to. And most of all if all this damn stuff is just your fucking fault. Just your fucking damn fault. Fuck off to me...fuck off to me._

_I saw her handsome face bending into a grimace. It was pain, God, pure and pervading pain. Not rage. Pain. God. I could damnit clearly distinguish it in every single muscle of her face and it was also in her eyes, in her mouth, in her lips, in her cheeks, in her forehead, in her skin...beneath her skin...I knew that. I saw her expression slowly changing in sync with the painful and sad realizing that her fucking fears had just become true. I saw her face melting like a wax mask near a flame. I saw her relief, her relief because she was home, home with her family, home with me, home with who was supposed make her safe, I saw her relief freeze in her face and leave her, but slowly, so slowly I couldn't bear its unendurable infinity. Her hurt dark eyes became watery, I could almost feel something breaking in them. It was like a spark...but a painful kind of. Her look wasn't aggressive, her look wasn't angry, her look wasn't furious...her look was just hurt and disappointed and desperate. It was the look of someone that had just caught the majestic sorrow of a world that collapses blown to pieces._

"San! San!" Brittany started to shout jumping off the sofa, the sound of her voice seemed to awake the brunette, that bursting into tears turned back and started to run just far away from that terrible scene.

"San! Wait! Wait!" the blonde repeated chasing after her through the living room.

_I don't know what I wanted to tell her, I don't know what I was supposed to tell her in order to try to make her feel better...in that moment I just knew I had to go to her, I had to reach her, I had to-to...explain...but there was nothing to explain. Nothing. I had just done the hugest mistake of my whole life. Her hurt look had gone right inside my body. It had ripped off my heart and all I could think in that moment, when I felt just the cold of a day of December penetrating inside my bones wearing just my fucking shirt and nothing more, was that I had just made suffer the one I'd loved the most in my entire stupid fucking life..._

"San!" she yelled one more time and then reaching out her right arm for her she could hold her thin wrist.

The time stopped. Again. And in that fraction of second even the birds stopped flying in the sky. The road seemed to plunge into darkness. That touch. That damn touch. Their skins. Their bloods, their hearts beating underneath. Their stories. Their story. Their lives. Melted before, but more and more parted now. Even if they were touching, the two women hadn't ever been so far away one from the other.

"San, look at me! Please! Please!"

* * *

><p><span>Now:<span>

_I've never been able to imagine something more intimate than a hand hold. I don't know...according to me a kiss means I want you, but a hand hold is what really means I love you. There's always something magic and almost charming in the simple touch of two hands owned by different people. There's a strange kind of power sailing right beneath our skin, it's like a mysterious strength, a personal identification, a fingerprint, a mold, an impression, that gives us the ability to recognize and understand if we've already met that certain hand. I've always liked the experience of shanking hands with a stranger, holding out my hand to a friend, sliding my fingers among San's...our hands have always fit so perfectly...how much I love you, hon...God, please, God, if you can hear me from up there keep her alive...please...please..._

_And then there was her hand, Joey's hand and...I don't know...it was different from San's one, but it's like it resembled her mom's in a certain way...when we were in front of the fireplace, I was in the middle with San's hand in one hand and Joey's in the other and I closed my eyes with my head abandoned on my love's shoulder I found it hard to distinguish the owners of their hands...but then I concentrated myself, I liked to, and trying to forget all the rest of the world, that turned around us and our loves that were different but the same at the bottom, I could understand. I can't neither say what they are different in, but they are...it's kind of magic...and this is why when I suddenly felt a hand that at the first time seemed to me the one of Santana I almost screamed starting in fear on that uncomfortable chair of the waiting room of the gynecological surgery._

"Oh, God! You scared me! I'm a bit...you know...my honey baby. Come here." the blonde said in a breath and then held her in a warm hug, "You've got the hands of your mom, you know?"

"The hands you're looking for, right?" she answered trying to smile a bit and sitting on the chair near her. _She's always been a very bright girl..._ Britt's look lost into the crowded corridor, her blue eyes seemed covered with a light veil.

"The hand you look for..." she began to recite, "...is in the dreams yo..."

"...you've not known yet." Joey ended instead of her, then she surprised turned to the blonde, "Mama used to say it when I was a child and I was sad for any reason."

The blonde sincerely smiled continuing to look in the empty space.

"She used to say it also when we were children. Her grandma said that to her. It was the end of a poem that is supposed to give you the strength for hoping again when you're in the darkest phase." she explained to the brunette who was staring at her with attention and curiosity.

"Do you still remember it? 'cause I think I'd need it so much now." the girl whispered hardly swallowing at the end of the sentence in order to hold back the tears.

"I can try." the blonde answered, then she put her arm around Joey's shoulders and waited for her to lean her head on her before starting,

"Just who looks

Out of the window

But in the heart knows,

Just who listens

To the lying silence

And waits for the end,

Just who tries

To close the eyes

And think more far away.

They almost feel

A whisper

A caress

A breath.

The hand you look for

Is in the dreams

You've not known yet."

she ended almost in tears. She had to stop three times but not because she forgot the words, she stopped just in order to swallow and avoid to burst into tears in front of the girl. _She was her B mom and it didn't matter how much she was scared and desperate and terrified in that moment, she had to be strong...strong for her honey baby...strong for her family...strong for her San who in that moment was fighting on the table of an operatory room between life and death..._

The girl was sobbing on her shoulder.

"Sh-sh-she'll b-be f-f-fine, r-right?"

The blonde closed hardly her eyelids.

"Sure. Don't worry. She finger-promised…she finger-promised."

* * *

><p>1 o'clock p.m. The time seemed really not to want to go on. She went inside at 11. Just two hours. The supposed length of the intervention might be three hours. <em>God...God...I brought there some papers, I had to check the accounts of my dance school...I've never been good at Maths, but, you know, time, oldness, experience, San...there were all good things to help you to learn. Especially San...how many evenings she spent to teach me the way I could manage all of this...San...my hon...she's always been so brilliant...right like her daughter...I usually think I don't deserve her...I don't deserve them...but then I think I really can do something good for them both, something just I can do and that thought is enough for me for making me believe again this is where I'm meant to be.<em>

_The papers on my knees, Joey abandoned on my shoulders...I tried to rock her to relax her like I used to do with her mother and I stared at all those numbers on those cold pieces of paper...salaries, bills, givings, havings, dollars, euros, upkeep, premium...all those amounts...those useless amounts...useless like a woman waiting for the biggest love of her life on a stupid chair of a waiting room...the hand I look for...you can't leave me, San you fucking bitch...you can't...you promised...and you've always honored your promises...you're a woman of her word...you're proud...you're brave...and you love me...I know...you know..._

_I tried to concentrate my attention on those papers in order to distract it from my worries, from my fears, from the fear of losing her, of losing her forever, but all I could see were indistinct numbers jumping and floating from one page to the other confusing and annoying my mind..._

* * *

><p>It was half past 2 o'clock when the blonde finally heard some steps echoing on the floor of the empty corridor. She was sitting on that same chair with her head in her hands trying not to cry in front of Joey and wondering why they were so <em>fucking<em> long. The papers were in her bag.

"Miss Pierce?" a short brunette woman green-worn whispered to her stopping her walk just a few steps far away from her.

"Yes? Tell me. I-i-is she good?" she stammered.

The young surgeon gave a look at the girl who was staring at her with concern and attention, then she addressed to Britt again:

"I know I'm unpleasant for asking that, but I have to. Who is she? Can I share these inf...?"

"I'm their daughter." Joey abruptly interrupted her. _In that moment if I hadn't been so madly worried I would have screamed in joy..._

The surgeon seemed a bit perplexed, then she probably said to herself that was not the moment for questions and so she just explained the situation:

"There're some complications with the anesthesia 'cause we thought we could do the hysterectomy in laparoscopy, but we found some adhesions caused by the caesarean and so we had to cut, the anesthesia was repeated in order to prolong its action but now there're some troubles with the awakening."

_God...God...troubles with the awakening..._

"A-a-a-are you s-saying she can't awake?"

"We're doing all we can do, she's in excellent hands." the surgeon said in order to reassure her. Joey started to sob and literally threw herself into the arms of the blonde, who locked her blue watery eyes in the browns of the surgeon and articulated her words just with her lips so that the girl couldn't hear.

"Tell me she'll be fine..."

The doctor breathed for a couple of seconds then whispered:

"I'd like to, but according to the current state of the affairs I can just hope so. I'm sorry. I'll come here soon."

_You know when you feel all your world falling down onto you…you can just freeze there and bear the majesty of every single insignificant particular of the life you lived being torn apart in front of your eyes…I don't know, but that was the exact moment during when I really realized she could die…according to the current state of the affairs…how much that young surgeon wanted to lie to me…I could see into her eyes…but she couldn't…she was afraid too…afraid almost like me…she really wanted to tell me "Yeah, she'll be fine, don't worry." But she sincerely couldn't. She couldn't. My San…God…my hon…she couldn't awake…she'd had got cancer inside her body…and now that she hopefully hadn't got it anymore she couldn't awake…it was like a curse…was it possible for just one person to be in such a trouble her entire life? Was it straight for just one person to have to bear all of that? Her difficult childhood and early youth, her wrong marriage, her husband's adultery, her struggle for having me with her again, her fears, my adultery and now that…a cancer that threatened her with death…God…God…why can't things be just a little easy for once? Why? _

Brittany couldn't contain herself anymore and started to cry bitter tears. They flew uncontrollable down her cheeks wetting the brown hair of the little Joey who couldn't stop to sob in her arms. The time still ticked on the aseptic o'clock of the waiting room. 15 to 3…3…15 past 3…half past 3…

_God, I've never believed in you so much, but look at me if you can, look at me, look at us, look at what we are, look at what we have…we have something perfect…don't make that something else tear all apart like I did…I did…I made the huge mistake of my life, but I understood it and I'm doing all that I can do in order to make up for my bullshit…I did…not her…neither Joey…if you have to punish me for the pain I caused to them don't involve them…don't kill her…kill me…kill me if you have to…but no her…please…please…please…_

5 minutes to 4 p.m. and they heard again some steps. They belonged to more than just one person. They hugged more tight. The steps were nearer. Brittany was the first to open her eyes.

"Are you crying, hon?"

"San!" the blonde yelled with an expression of total relief jumping on her feet and leaping to her, she hugged her delicately fearing to hurt her while Joey made the same on the other side without being able to stop to repeat "Mama!" several and several times.

One hug-minute after the nurses said to them that they had to put the bed into her room, then they had to arrange the drip and something else, then Brit and Joey will have been able to go inside. The two lifted from the bed and kindly smiled to San who answered with a huge smile too. Then before she had to leave her again Brit held her hand. They just looked at each other and all the love they felt as if by magic flew from one hand to the other right trough their skin.


	12. Don't You Remember

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* * *

><p><strong>Chapter Twelve – Part One: Don't You Remember<strong>

Three Weeks Later, New Year's Eve:

The snow began to softly fall on the ground during that beginning of night, the flakes slowly pirouetted chasing the light breaths of the wind. It was not a windy night. It was quiet. Like always when it snows. The snow calms everything down. It's its silent slipping. The rain is noisy, it's loud, it's impudent. The snow is discreet, it's peaceful, it's almost shy. The rain drops, pours, splashes. The snow flutters and when it touches the ground it vanishes like it's never existed. It's kind of magic.

_I love the snow. It's not winter without snow to me and today was the first snowfall of this winter and so I can't lose it. Plus I've absolutely no desire to stay home. Home...at my house...a house is not a home, said the great Dionne...holy words...and I couldn't bare to stay there anymore. I was lonely. Lonely in my fucking flat. Some guys of my dance school invited me to a party I haven't even taken the trouble to understand where. I've absolutely no desire to celebrate with them. They were funny and kind and whatever, but...you know...there's just one person I want to celebrate with. But she was...well...let's go out. Let's go out, me me and even me! All together! C'mon! Damn...fuck off...fuck off...awwwww! The snow!_

The road was completely desert. It was something past 9 o'clock p.m. and everyone was already somewhere ready to party. Some houses were in the dark. Some others shone in the night with all their Christmas lights, the fun and the friend's cars parked in the path. The blonde was walking. She apparently seemed lazy and someway untroubled. She looked around, but without smiling.

_The snow is just the second thing able to make me happy. The first, well, the first is her..._

She was wearing a pair of washed-out jeans, a pair of black combat boots, a short brown jacket with coat inserts, the hands in the pockets, a woolen smooth huge hat and an old leather brown bag that San bought her when they were sixteen and she was walking, she was walking under the snow that began to dress her blonde hair like little pearls. Maybe it was her look, her blue eyes were still so surprisingly cutely enchanted by the miracle of the snow, that anyone catching sight of her graceful figure flying like a light and colored butterfly through the flakes could guess she was already 42 years old. Then she put the hands out of the pockets in order to try to seize some flakes and her look inevitably dropped on her ring. She stared at its glitter in the darkness and she let out a sigh, then a little bright tear slipped rapidly down her cheek. Suddenly her blue eyes were 42.

_You know when sometimes things run too fast...and it happens independently that you want it or not. It's like you were carried away by the course of the events. And if you're lucky enough that the place this happenings lead you is the one you look for, well, in this case you like it, you like it because it's like something comes towards you and make you breath at time. But then? Then? When this unhoped-for drive ceases? The things slow incredibly down...even more than they went before the events started to go the way you want to. I suppose...yeah...I suppose this is what happened after her operation..._

_During the days of the hospitalization, they were 5, I was almost always there, there with her and she seemed so happy in spite of everything was happening to her...I don't know, but she, Joey, me...you know...we were a family again...we helped her relaxing her nerves, beginning to walk more and more, in the room before, along the corridor then, keeping her company and...well...everything seemed to proceed without a hitch, even when she came back home...I usually went there in order to help her in order to make the lunch, keep the house clean, do shopping and whatever. Joey's Christmas holiday hadn't begun yet and Santana couldn't exert herself and even if she had wanted to, I'd have totally prevented her to. She might relax. And then little by little she started to feel better and better, Joey's holidays began and my help started to be less necessary. _

_It's 5 days I've not seeing them. I miss them in a way that breaks my heart and the worse thing is that in this moment I don't have any idea...I don't know what the fuck can I do. I'm just sad and downhearted...I called her yesterday...I can't hide the fact I felt foolishly disappointed when she said to me some co-workers of the record company had invited her to dinner for the new year's eve and she said yes...I don't know, I kinda hoped that...that...I don't know, but...not that..._

_"And you?"_

_"Uh...ehm...I-I...I have not decided yet, but...well, it doesn't really matter."_

_"You're wrong. It's you we're talkin' 'bout, right? And you is a subject I'm really really interested in."_

_"Well, I...sincerely I've absolutely no desire to celebrate."_

_A brief silence at the other hand of the line, then she spoken:_

_"Well, not so much desire me neither, but...you know, they've insisted 'til I said yes and...yeah..." she ended like she was trying to justify her choice...but I didn't want her to...well, I wanted her to, but it was totally selfish and it wasn't fair..._

_"They did it right. Some fun will totally totally be good for you."_

_"Hope so. Will I see you soon?"_

_"Whenever you want to. I hug you."_

_"Bye, Brit-Brit."_

_And so here I am...here...lonely under the snow...lonely with my broken heart just San can fix...lonely with no ideas...lonely without knowing what can I do at this point in order to make the final step that would permit me to definitely go inside her life like I'd done before I took the ridiculous decision I'd been better without her...fuck off to me...fuck off to me...and fuck off to the beings back at the square one..._

It was more her feet then her mind bringing the blonde home. The real one this time. She stopped her distract walking on the footpath that was almost completely white by now. She had walked more than thirty minutes without paying any attention about the where, like she did always when she was intensely thinking deeply adsorbed into the corners of her mind. She glanced at the house neither too much surprised, the lights were off, except for the Christmas ones she had put all around the door a couple of weeks before. She made an undoubtful step to go away from there, but then the tinkle of her keys in her bag like bringing her down to the heart gave her the push to concretize her masochist desire to walk through the path and go inside.

_I don't know, but...in that moment I didn't cared San and Joey weren't there...I just wanted to feel home...just for tonight...just for the night that you might feel home the most...the new year's eve night...c'mon..._

She cleaned her boots on the mat and she opened the door. The just warm of the sensation to finally be home heated her bones. Her hair and her hat were sopping wet so she decided to light the fireplace in order to avoid a cough. She stayed there on her knees a couple of minutes losing her look into the calm crackling of the sinuous tongues of the fire with her hands reached out for its warm. Then her eyes met San's i-Pad that lied on the living room's table. San had all her life inside that i-Pad. All her photos, all her music.

_In that moment I felt a sudden urge to flow under my fingers some photos, some of the life we lived together…this is the perfect night to remember, isn't it?_

The woman relaxed on the sofa, with the i-Pad in her hands, she put on the earpieces and before going to the photo gallery she pitched some music.

_Let's see if her tastes are changed during this year…_"25 most played songs"_…God…God…the first titles that my look gazed on retraced step by step our love story…_"Landslide"_…_"Songbird"_…they were the perfect soundtrack of our lives…_"Constant Craving"_…I laughed a bit when I read _"We Found Love"_…I still remember that she didn't absolutely like that song when Mr Schue assigned it to us, but then she tried to sing it and she said to me that it embodied the exact feelings she felt in that precise period of her life…well…let's go…close your eyes and randomize…_

"Time is gonna take my mind

And carry it far away where I can fly,

The depth of life will dim the temptation to live for you,

If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears

'cause it's all about love and I know better

How life is a waving feather.

So I put my arms around you around you

And I know that I'll be leaving soon.

My eyes are on you they're on you

And you see that I can't stop shaking.

No, I won't step back but I'll look down to hide from your eyes

'cause what I feel is so sweet and I'm scared that even my own breath,

Oh, could burst it if it were a bubble

And I'd better dream if I have to struggle.

So I put my arms around you around you

And I hope that I will do no wrong,

My eyes are on you they're on you

And I hope that you won't hurt me.

I'm dancing in the room as if I was in the woods with you,

No need for anything but music,

Music's the reason why I know time still exists."

The tears started to stream down her face. Her fingers rapidly had selected the album of the very first journey they had taken when they re-met after the years they had stayed parted. They were 32 years old and they went to Paris. _God…it was the most romantic and amazing journey of my life…we had re-met after all those years and we were finally together…look at us…we were so happy…the laughs, the jokes, the kisses…God…God…_

"Going back to the corner where I first saw you,

Gonna camp in my sleeping bag, I'm not gonna move,

Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand,

Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am.

Some try to hand me money, they don't understand,

I'm not broke I'm just a broken hearted man,

I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,

How can I move on when I've been in love with you?

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me

And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be,

Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet

And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving,

I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here,

I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,

Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,

If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me

And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be,

Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet

And you see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving,

I'm not moving,

I'm not moving,

I'm not moving.

People talk about the guy,

Who's waiting on a girl, oh whoa,

There are no holes in his shoes,

But a big hole in his world.

Maybe I'll get famous as the man who can't be moved

And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news

And you'll come running to the corner,

'Cause you'll know it's just for you."

_Now we were younger…we were seventeen and we were at "Breadstix"…haha…God…that was definitely our place…the place of our first official date…I've ordered shrimps…and she paid…I've always liked to take photos…especially photos of her…she was so overwhelming beautiful…she is so overwhelming beautiful…even if the years pass…she's amazing…in a different way…but she's still the same…_

"When will I see you again,

You left with no goodbye

Not a single a word was said,

No final kiss to seal any seam,

I had no idea of the state we were in.

I know I have a fickle heart

And a bitterness and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head.

But don't you remember,

Don't you remember

The reason you loved me before,

Baby, please remember me once more.

When was the last time

You thought of me,

Oh have you completely erased me from your memory,

I often think about where I went wrong,

The more I do the less I know.

I know I have a fickle heart

And a bitterness and a wandering eye and a heaviness in my head.

But don't you remember,

Don't you remember

The reason you loved me before,

Baby, please remember me once more.

Gave you the space so you could breathe,

I kept my distance so you would be free,

And hope that you find the missing piece,

To bring you back to me.

Why don't you remember,

Don't you remember

The reason you loved me before,

Baby, please remember me once more.

When will I see you again?"

_Yeah…I remember…I remember, hon…and I still love you…right like that time…it was Christmas…Joey was with us fortunately…we spent all the evening laughing and telling her - she was like 8 years old I suppose – tons and tons of stupid things about our youngness…we talked to her about the Cheerios and the Glee club and the coach Sylvester and mr Schue, about the loves and the feelings and the bullshits we made…God, the Christmas tree was huge that year…huge…_

"I'll get away, get in the car,

I'll reach the shore before sunrise

And I'll watch the moon and stars,

I'll tell them everything about us.

I left last night,

I reached the shore

Trying to find everything I lost

In a thousand waves

A million waves,

Still somewhere I am sure

That I will see your face,

I will see you there.

Morning sun

Before you will rise,

Before you'll come and shine again on us,

Let me find, let me find, let me find

Some comfort in the night,

Cause I don't mind what I've lost,

I've reached the shore

And nothing ever changed,

In a thousand waves

A million waves

Oh still I look for love.

And all I see is your face,

So I come back home to you.

I bleed but I'm choosing you again,

I'm done but I'm ready to begin."

_Oh, God…this was for me…this was me…God…God…how can she understand always so perfectly my feelings? How many times she thought about me like I thought about her_…"trying to find everything I lost"_…I lost myself, hon…I lost myself…but I found it again…I found myself in you, where I've always been…_

Suddenly the song ended and another melody began to spread through her ears. She'd never heard it before. But she liked it. The music was a bit sad, but totally capturing. There was just a piano and a guitar. Now the drums. And a bass. When the voice began to sing Brittany felt her body melt. It was _her_ voice. It was San's. Her wonderful, scathing, blown, hot, wrapping voice. The words naturally slipped through her full lips, the blonde could almost feel her breath near her ear. She closed her eyes feeling totally overwhelmed. She couldn't neither distinguish the words she was hearing. She just heard the notes sensually soaking in her mind. She could almost feel _her hands delicately running through her body, taking off her clothes damp because of the snow, untie her bra… _ Suddenly the song ended, so she jumped and restarted the song in order to really listen to her words. _"Until this dream ends"_ was called the song. Music and words by Santana Lopez. _God…God…_

"Sometimes I wonder why,

Sometimes I wonder if

Sometimes I was that girl

Who I'd like to be so long.

The heart was open wide,

The thoughts were torn apart,

The hair was free to fly,

The hands were free to catch.

I've tried so hard to change my mind,

I've tried so hard to change my time,

but hearts and skies keep rainin'.

The things I wanna forget keep burinin'.

I picture you livin' through your days,

I picture you cravin' though your wills.

I'd like to be the one for you,

but things don't go the way you want to.

I've tried so hard to change my mind,

I've tried so hard to change my time,

but hearts and skies keep rainin'.

The things I wanna forget keep burinin'.

So come on wind, don't wait

To be asked twice, come on,

I said, go inside of me,

At least until this dream ends.

At least until this dream ends.

At least until this dream ends."

And while the strong notes of _"We Are Young" _began to boom out the earpieces her blue eyes were filled of tears.


	13. Jarring Notes

**Last chapter, guys…**

**I'm waiting for your reviews…**

**Enjoy the reading and…see you at the next fanfic!**

**the old phib**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter thirteen: Jarring Notes<strong>

A dream after, new year's eve:

_Annoying, right? Annoying, irritating, bothering, even vexatious sometimes the jarring notes...sure, someone doesn't neither realize it…one day I heard that people who can't sing in tune perceives his own voice and all the sounds in a way that is different from the common one, in a wrong way we can say, if we want to judge it…but maybe they are the ones who listen right and we are wrong…right like they say – and I think they're right – about the ones who live in their own world or perceive voices that the others are not able to listen…they call them crazy, don't they? Maybe we are really crazy, we who can't listen. I usually feel like that, like a jarring note on a sheet music that I can't understand, when I'm sure I'm in the right place, but then when the piano starts to play I realize with horror or sometimes with peaceful resignation that I've made a mess of my life and that is not the place for me. Jarring notes are notes that are not wrong in themselves , but it's just that they mustn't be there where they are… _

The blonde lay on the warm sofa, the fire was crackling right just some steps away from her sleepy body, the i-Pad slipped behind her back, the earpieces still in her ears, the soft sound of "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" in the tear-jerker version of Johnny Cash shyly spread in the big room, just his powerful voice and a solitary guitar, just her dreams, her dreams of her, her dreams of the brunette who had stolen her own heart.

_I can see her…I can see her, but I can't reach her…she's looking at me and I'm trying to convince her to come towards to me, because my feet refuse to move in any direction…they're like glued to the floor…for a couple of moments I stare at the floor…it's a sheet music…the notes are fixing me with disappointment…and so she is…_

"_What the hell are you doing there?"_

"_I-I-I…" I start to stammer in sync with my tears that begin to fall down my eyes…_

"_You can't cry! You're not supposed to cry!"_

"_I-I-I…I just want to come back to you…"_

"_Come so!" she cries, she's furious and I can totally understand her…I'm ruining her sheet music…I'm just a jarring note…one more time…a stupid fuckin' jarring note…_

"_I'd like I can…" I whisper…I'm not able not to cry louder…_

"_Stop! Damn, stop!"_

The lights were off, there's just the fire that was slowly burning out, the silence was complete and pervading, her body seemed relaxed, but the painful expression of her face revealed something totally different.

"_I can't! I love you like I've never loved anyone else in this world…"_

"_I'll do anything for you!" she shout with anger…I can physically felt her damn pain…,__"I'm totally unable not to fall in love with you every single time I look at you!"_

_I begin to sweat, I feel like I'm near to faint, the notes are surrounding me, they've the faces of Joey and Santana and Matt and Jack and my mother and my father and…and…I'm petrified…I can't move…I-I-I…I'd just like to run, run away from them, from their judgements, from their pain, from my mistakes…_

Suddenly the light turned on, the door was open, Brittany woke up jumping on the sofa, her nightmare had terrified her and the sudden switching on of the living room's lights took her by surprise so that she cried for the fear.

"Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" answered another voice even more frightened and astonished.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!" repeated the blonde scared by the cry.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" the two continued until they looked into the other's eyes and without even realize it they spontaneously began to laugh out loud.

"Oh, my…oh, God! Let me take a seat…God…God…you fuckin' scared me! Fuck off! Ha, ha, ha!" the brunette said between the laughs and after she had closed the door behind her back she walked on the carpet and sat on the sofa pulling up Brittany's legs and putting them on her knees. Her face was so amused and cheerful. _…relieved? Maybe…hope so…I'm relieved…I'm relieved and grateful and happy like every single time I see her…and the better part is that she's not a dream now…she's really here…she's…she's…_

"Wait. You're here, aren't you? This means I've missed the countdown, midnight, the celebrations and everything?" the blonde asked a bit worried and a bit surprised for having slept so long.

The brunette kindly smiled. Her look was tender and sweet like always:

"No. It'sss… a quarter past eleven now."

"Oh. Okay. Sooo…what the hell are you doin' here?" Brittany said to her, except then immediately correct her previous words, "No. I mean…I'm glad that you're here and…yeah."

"You have a narrow squeak, girl." she answered pretending for just one second to be in a huff, "Well…it's just…the party was great and they're kind and amusing and everything, but…you know…I couldn't have fun. I can't have fun if I'm not…not…but tell me 'bout you! You are the outsider here!" she said. She wanted to seem funny, but in the exact moment those last words slipped out of her mouth she realized how insensitive and unpleasant they were. Brit's expression helped. "No, no, I-I mean…just the fact that you…now…here…and…"

"_Outsider"…God…that word killed me…but that was the truth…that was what I began…an outsider…it's not her fault…it's my fault…my damn fuckin' fault…_

"Don't worry, I got it." she interrupted her stammering in order to make her feel better, "Well, I…I've not a valid explanation or a valid excuse to be here tonight!" she reprised, the brunette stared at her with an interested air, "I was…kinda…walking around because I was in my flat and I felt lonely and…well, I was walking without really thinking about where I was going and my feet just…you know…they brought me here." she ended,, but her look convinced her to continue, "Please don't ask me why I went inside. I don't know. I just don't sincerely know. You know, it's just I…kinda…felt that was the right thing to do. That's all."

Santana was looking into the feeble tongues of the fire. Her expression was indecipherable. The seconds were ticking on the big clock and she was silent. Silent and serious.

"You know what?" she abruptly said then without neither turning towards to her, "I don't care.", silence, again, the fire crackled, the wind whistled out of the window, silence, heartbeats, seconds, time, fears, love, "I'm really really tired of all this thinking and all this analyzing and all this chewing over. Just…tired. And so I don't fuckin' care about the reason your feet brought you here and your heart suggested you that was the right thing to do. I don't care 'cause I'm just glad you're here now. I'm just glad."

_It was like she was scared to continue…scared to share her feelings with me…scared…terrified…I don't know…maybe it's inappropriate…well…I don't care…_

The blonde came closer to Santana and without asking for a permission she just held her hand. Just a touch. Soft and gentle. That's was enough. Santana twisted her fingers with the blonde's and went on continuing to stare at the fire.

"It's so fuckin' useless I lie to myself pretending that the only reason I can't have fun anymore is not that you're not here. It's so damn simple, so damn clear. I can live without you, I can, but…it's just…it's just like…like a…"

"…like an agonizing wait that never ends?" Brittany concluded her sentence. Santana rested in silence, "Like you're living every single day of your life waiting for starting to live for real. Like when you're near to move and you start to leave the dust in the corners, like when you're near to change your cellphone and you start not to care if it falls on the ground." she ended, "Or at least this is how I feel."

Finally Santana turned towards to her, her dark deep eyes were full of tears, she bit her lower lip:

"The-the...same for me."

The blonde took her legs away from her knees, then she sat closer to her and held both her hands:

"I love you, Santana, I love you like I've never loved anyone else in this world and because of that I think anything is possible. Do you remember when I said that to you? We were young and still unaware that life can be a total mess but most of all that we can make a total mess of it even if we don't want to." she began, "I made a total mess of it and the worse part is that fuckin' up my life I hurt you, I hurt you in a way that breaks my heart.", suddenly she felt a lump in her throat, she tried hard to swallow, "But now it's the eve of a new year that is beginning, I'm here, I'm here with all my huge and totally foolish love for you.", at these words Santana shyly smiled a bit, "I'm here and you are here and you love me, you love despite of everything, despite the fact I'm a stupid idiot, despite the fact I hurt you, just because love is inexplicable." she couldn't stop, the lump began to melt in sync with her eyes becoming watery, "Let me come back, let me come back into your life, come back to love you, come back to make you laugh with my nonsense remarks, come back to destroy your flowerpots just because I think I'm strong enough to move them…" now Santana was laughing, "…come back to love you." she ended, then she felt duty bound to explain it in a better way, "…under and over the sheets…"

The brunette burst into laughter. They looked at each other for all the time they needed. Maybe it was too much for a single look. Maybe not. Santana moved her face closer to Brittany's, her eyes were just full of joy, the tears were dried away. She bended a bit her head on the right side. Their mouths were almost touching. Brittany couldn't move her look away from San's lips, then she closed her eyelids, she unconsciously smiled and then finally she caught her woman's upper lip. The fire had already extinguished but they didn't feel cold while their tongues were playing their game.

They almost didn't separate walking upstairs towards their bedroom. It was funny and scheming trying to stand and kiss and walk at the same time. Finally they walked in the room, Santana closed the door behind her back, Brittany took her in her arms and continuing to kiss her she put her light body on the bed settling onto her. Starting to kiss her downer and downer on the jaw before, on the neck then she unbuttoned her cardigan and her blouse.

_It's just like I remember…she's so beautiful, so flawless, so perfect…her skin, her neckline, her waist, her chest… _

She unbuttoned also her laced black bra and she started to gentle kiss her breasts.

_I've always loved so much the flavor of her skin…it's not salty like the skin of the other people…it's kinda spicy… _

Her tongue began to make circles on her skin until reached and surrounded a nipple. She sweetly sucked it and Santana arched her back towards to the blonde who in the main time with her hand went down caressing the skin of her belly until reached the button and the zip of her jeans. She unzipped them and then made her hand slip under her panties.

"I love you." the blonde whispered and then began to make her really love.

* * *

><p>"Happy new year, mam…"<p>

Surprise, fear, embarrassment, laughs was the exact sequence of expressions that followed one another in sync on the faces of Santana and Brittany when some hours later Joey broke in the room where the two were sleeping luckily dressed again. Some moments later even the girl started to laugh.

"Hi." the blonde whispered then in her direction, shaking a bit her hand, "What a coincidence seeing you too here!"

"Oh, God. God. God." the girl could just repeat with a huge smile on her face, "Is it really true?"

"I'm really afraid it is." Santana answered with a mischievous smile.

"God. God." she couldn't stop.

"C'mon. Come here." the brunette said to her opening her arms, the girl smiled even more and with a jump sat on the bed between the two who kissed her on both her cheeks.

"I didn't ask it to you, but it seems to me that you're…you're okay with…with this." the brunette whispered to her daughter.

"With the fact that if only I'd come home one hour before I would have seen my moms savagely screwin…"

"Joey!"

"I'm just joking." the girl said between the laughs, then she stopped and she turned serious, "I just…if I may, I'd just want to propose to you two an aim for the new year."

"Fire away." the blonde answered.

"Promise me you won't break up anymore. Anymore. This year's been horrible and painful and infinite and I-I-I…I just want that you're happy. And we all perfectly know you two can be completely happy just if you're together. So…" she said and with solemn behavior rose up her pinkies, "…finger-promise."

"We solemnly finger-promise." Brittany declared, "C'mon, San, say it!"

"We solemnly finger-promise."

"Good. Do you have any aim for the new year?" Joey asked.

"I got one." the blonde said, "I solemnly promise that I won't hurt you anymore and I won't do bullshits anymore. Except for the foolish nonsense I totally totally can't avoid, like to jump from the terrace trying not to dislocate my ankle or to say that this three link-pinkie thing resembles a seance."

"Oh, God, you're totally right! Let's...let's try it! Close your eyes! And now I suppose we might like evoke some kind of spirits." Joey continued with the joke.

"If you're here knock once for "yes"" the blonde whispered with pathos, "...yeah, I'm talking to you, supreme spirit of San's abuela..."

"What? My abuela?" Santana almost yelled.

"Yeah! Why?"

"Haha! Imagine if she saw us now! She would like have an heart attack!" the brunette laughed.

"Well, she'd totally deserve it."

"Britt!"

"What? It's true! I don't know how can you still love her." the blonde seriously continued.

"You perfectly know that before she died she had said to me she had kinda understood my…my feelings and...but...is it not the same thing between you and Lord Tubbington? How many times he made you be mad at him? But you still love him."

"Well...yeah, but I don't think it's right the same th..."

"You know what? Let's evoke him!" Santana interrupted her words.

"No, we can't."

"Why?"

"He's alive." the blonde coldly sentenced.

"Are you kidding me?" Santana yelled again. Joey was laughing between the two.

"Of course no, he's alive. My mom gave me him when I called her to wish her merry Christmas the past week."

"Britt, it's kinda impossible he's alive. He's a cat. He'd be like 300 years old."

"No, he is! I heard him!" Brittany insisted with belief.

"Maybe it was another cat..."

"Are you sorta implying that I can't recognize the voice of my cat?" she disappointedly asked her.

"You won't let me kiss you for kinda a billion days if I say yes, aren't you?" the brunette asked, the expression of the blonde was extremely stand-offish, "So no, of course no. Now can I kiss you?"

"Just for this time." she said, then she leant out and she gave Santana a little peck on the lips, then they looked at each other kindly smiling until they lay again on the mattress hugging Joey between them.

"I love you, girls." Brittany whispered closing her eyes.

"Maybe your mom had recorded his voice before he died..."

"San!"


End file.
